Adventures In Life

Quick Recap

2012-02-12T22:42:00.002-05:00

The 1.5 months has included...

a virus for all 5 of us that lasted between 1 week (Johnny) and 1 month (Colby). It was brutal and sleep was sorely lacking for all of us -- me mostly because the girls and Colby would.not.sleep.
the virus was beginning to turn into pneumonia for Zoe, so she went on antibiotics
pink eye for the 3 kiddos
a stomach bug for 4 of us (Sydney has an iron stomach apparently)
my mom in the hospital 2x for super-low potassium. It's a problem that has just sort of recently began and it has been a tough few months since it began. This last stint (5 days in the ICU) seemed to bring a little clarity to the issue though, so she's finally feeling a lot better.
grad class that has left me clueless because I just don't get the class.
my principal telling me that I have to be more "social" with the staff at school. Because I don't go to parties and I don't eat lunch in the staff room. But he forgets that I live 45+ minutes away, I have 3 kiddos 2 and under, and I am taking grad classes. Oh and that I pump for my entire 50 minute lunch period.
weaning on the pumping. But I don't think I'm going to be pump-free come Texas on Saturday. I've got it down to 4(ish) times a day. The pump is only free until March 25th, so I need to be pump-free by then.

Guilt

2012-02-02T21:00:00.001-05:00

So, I've been back at work 1+ month. Colby's a mess about it. The girls don't really care as long as they eat. But we should be been quarantined by the CDC because we've had so much sickness run through here in the last 1.5 months it's just ridiculous. The latest was a nasty stomach bug that hit me on Sunday, then Johnny, then Colby and Zoe in a 5 hour period. It lasted much longer than that though- I got off the luckiest and was fine by Monday afternoon. Johnny and the kids are still struggling to get back to normal.

But when I was sick? It was brutal. Not the throwing up part -- really, being pregnant gets you used to that. Instead it was the total achiness/tiredness/just blah that was tough. Because of it I had a stretch of 8 or so hours Sunday into Monday without pumping. I just couldn't convince myself to get out of bed -- everyone was finally sleeping and Johnny's mom was helping with the sick kids anyways so I was enjoying the rest. Then Monday I went back to normal (normal being 9-10 times a day when home all day, pumping every 2-3 hours). Then we watched the documentary American Teacher (watch it!) and there was a new mom-teacher who was pumping and then at the end of the movie she was finished pumping and she said something like "My whole life got a whole lot easier when I was done pumping." Or something like that.

Then Monday night I was laying in bed unable to sleep and I kept ~~fantasizing~~ thinking about stopping pumping. I wouldn't have to spend my entire 50 minute lunch period sitting at my desk pumping; I could get work done and maybe some day catch up. I wouldn't have to wake up 2 times a night (at midnight and 3am) and get up at 5am to pump to pump for 30 minutes at a time; I could sleep a little more. I wouldn't have to spend 30 minutes every 2 hours hooked up while the girls attach the tubes; I could lay on the ground playing with them. I wouldn't have to lug my pump to Texas in a few weeks when Colby and I travel. It all seemed so great. I went to sleep convinced that I was done.

The next morning I wasn't so sure. I started to feel guilty and a bit selfish. The girls are just over 3 months away from 1 year. Why couldn't I last until then? What if I ran out of the frozen stash too soon? Why make us spend $30 a week on formula? Why couldn't I be super mom?

Now you know I formula fed Colby, so it's not that I'm against formula. But I CAN pump. I CAN produce the milk. I CAN feed them. I couldn't do the same for Colby. So guilt is huge this time around. With Colby? I was fine.

So now I'm still stuck in limbo. Right now I'm letting myself sleep through the night (or at least from waking to waking -- the girls are still up about 2-3 times each during the night) from 11-5:30. But it saves me about 1-1.5 hours of sleep that I would usually have spent pumping. I pump around 10:30pm then not again until around 6:30am. Then again around 12:30pm, 3pm, 5pm, 7pm, 9pm, and back to 10:30pm. So really, I've cut down and now pump about 7 times (sometimes less).

I'm still dreaming of it being over, but like I said -- GUILT. Or really, more than guilt, I think it's just the pressure I've put on myself to be "Super Mom". Super Mom would be able to work, take classes, take care of 3 kids, get zero sleep, cloth diaper, make all her own baby food (I still find this fun, though), master a March of Dimes team, and still pump every 2 hours. I'm kind of disappointing myself that I can't (or, really, that I can but am willing to step away for my own comfort).

So that's where I am with that. I have to decide where I am fully going (trying to up the number of pumps again to get back to where I was and full supply or letting it dwindle off) before Colby and I leave for Texas on the 19th!

Separation Anxiety x 1,000,000

2012-01-26T23:16:00.000-05:00

So, I've been back to work for almost 5 weeks. Things have been going pretty well. I'm up at 5 to pump and shower and all that good stuff. I'm downstairs by 6 to wash my pump stuff, clean a few bottles, and wait for the nanny. Sometimes the girls wake up while I'm getting ready, sometimes they don't. I'm in the habit of waking Colby up (which I actually really, really hate because I know he needs the sleep) because I don't want him to panic when he sees that Mama's not there anymore.

See, the return to work has made Colby super super Mama-clingy. He's usually pretty good about letting me out of the house in the AM with minimal tears or begging for me to stay, but when I am home there is no escape. I can't shower, do laundry, or even run up to check on the girls without him needing to be with me. If I leave him he breaks down in hysterics and it breaks my heart. I know it's probably just another phase of separation anxiety but it's killing me. I feel so badly for him that he gets so upset and on the other hand, I'm feeling a little run down that I can't get 2 seconds. Instead I literally have to carry him up with me just to peek in on the sleeping girls. (I have to carry him because he's in this "I don't want to fall" phase. *sigh* Phases.)

So I guess I'm asking for suggestions? I kind of hate the thought of breaking this phase simply because I love to be wanted, but at the same time it really can't be good for him to be so dependent on me, right? I mean, I've read a lot on child development during various courses and this just seems a little excessive and that makes me nervous.

Bullets

2012-01-23T23:50:00.000-05:00

Some bits and pieces until it's time to turn of the pump or until a babe wakes up.

I signed up for my last grad course last night. (Last course, but I still have 2 pracs to do) The semester started today & it really looks kind of manageable. However, that might simply be because the class is called "Program Evaluation" and I have no clue what that means. It's over April 7th. I can make it until then. Right?
I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by the whole teaching-motherhood-no sleep-pumping every few hours- grad school thing.
School has been going okay... my class is still tough, but I love them just the same. They're coming along- they're starting to realize that I'm not going to tolerate their inappropriate behaviors. I always tell my kids that I don't care if they make mistakes & I don't care if they don't understand how to do something, all that matters is that they try to learn, to listen, and to do their best. Simply reminding them of that (over and over) has really seemed to help some of the kiddos get really excited about learning.
I still feel so behind at school though. We're finally through relearning routines (well, my routines) so we're settling in to actually completing lessons. It's so different being in 1st grade than K though because I am just not a "follow-the-book-and-do-the-lessons" kind of person. I use small groups and learning centers and hands on activities and I hate worksheets, but that's the total opposite of our 1st grade curriculum. So I find myself struggling between what I know and do, covering the manual, and making sure that the two meld to somehow still meet the standards.
Colby turned 2 1/2 on Thursday. So the 21st was Saturday. I know I've said it before, but it's really not getting any easier. Instead I find myself kind of blindsided by glimpses of what might have been if only that morning had turned out differently. That's a whole other issue though.
The girls are 8 months old on Wednesday. I can't believe it. They're getting so big so fast it's scary. By the time Colby was 8 months we already had our Baby #3 (which turned into #3 and #4) appointment with the RE. This time? I'm trying to catch my breath still! (But there are some days where the Baby Bug is knocking at the door and I am so ready.)
We interviewed and chose a new nanny. This one has a 20 month old son she'll be bringing along. I am a little nervous how that whole dynamic is going to work, but she seems pretty amazing, the kid is super cute and sweet, and Colby keeps singing "Logan! Logan! Logan!" because he wants to play with him again. I hope it works out. Until at least June.

It's almost midnight, so the pump won out. The girls are still asleep. :)

Seriously 2012??

2012-01-18T23:36:00.000-05:00

Oh lordy... so I was hoping that 2012 would hold great things. So far it has been a big ole headache!

Colby started getting sick on Dec. 29th with a fever and general "not-himself-ness". It's been 3 weeks and he's still sick. He's definitely getting better and nowhere near the "I-only-want-to-lay-around-and-watch-Cars" boy that he was for awhile there, but holy goodness. Get over the cough and runny nose already.
So of course I got sick and was pretty darn miserable. School started back on Jan 3rd, the 4th I had a fever, sore throat, headache, and lost my voice. I went to school the next day unable to talk, but the Friday I took off because Colby had pink eye. Seriously? (That was Day #1 off from work) Then I went the walk in the next day for my awful throat thinking it MUST be strep. It was just a virus. I am still sick.
So of course the girls get sick. Zoe & Syd started getting congested this past weekend. Miserable times let me tell you. I think that twins are really pretty easy. Except when they're sick and clingy. Though still congested and cough-y, Sydney has started to feel a bit better with no noticeable fever. Zoe was so NOT HERSELF that we went to the doctors today. 103 fever, bloodwork, and chest x-ray later, she was sent home with an antibiotic because of what showed up as the possible beginnings of pneumonia. Oh and she has pink eye too. (These past two days were Days #2 and #3 off from work. I have FIVE total before the end of the year.) Here's to hoping my babes are better soon.
On Monday of last week our nanny informed us that she is MOVING to NORTH CAROLINA on JANUARY 30th. She got engaged and her boyfriend is in the Marines in NC. So we're on the frantic search for a new nanny.

2011

2011-12-31T21:00:00.005-05:00

Dear 2011,

You've been a pretty awesome year.

Colby went from a semi-toddling still-baby toddler to a talking, running, crazy two-year-old-going-on-ten ball of amazing energy. I began the year counting words, amazed that he was saying 30 words at 18 months. Now he won't stop talking and I can coach him to say things like "Sorry! Didn't mean to be rude!" when he burps. (Just for giggles.) He's had 3 haircuts, went on tons of adventures, and really became his own person. He went on his first train rides, his first plane ride, and even started 2011 in another state altogether. We went from loving Thomas to Toy Story to Caillou back to Thomas and then on to Cars. He became a total clown who loves to fall down for laughs and will ask "Are I okay Mama?" when he falls. But he's still a Mama's boy at heart who loves to cuddle, hug, and kiss. He reminds me every single day why we started this whole parenting thing.

And the girls. Oh, the girls. They helped fill the first 5 months of 2011 with anticipation and love mixed with worry and uncertainty. I had a spinal and cerclage when 2011 was just days old. I spent hours and hours at appointments, a month in the hospital in bed, another 6 weeks laying in my own bed (and on the couch), then had surgery, spent another week in the hospital, and a few more days visiting the NICU. All for their health... and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Times a million. They went from (relatively) teeny 4lb 10oz loves (monsters when compared to the boys) who slept and ate and slept some more to squishy, rolly, sitting, teething, squealing loves. Their personalities are so distinct it makes me laugh.

Sydney is laid back, content to play on her own. But if she needs you for food or a diaper, she is fast to let you know. She has a set of lungs on her to ensure she gets noticed. She loves to jump in the Jumparoo and chew on anything in sight. She loves her pacifier and will find it and start sucking away without help. She loves bath time, but hates to get dried off. She won't lay still for a diaper. She's so strong that you literally have to fight with her to get her to sit still for anything. She's so ready to crawl. She can scoot on her bottom, rotate, and push backwards a little. She loves to eat and has chowed down on sweet potatoes, carrots, squash, cereal, applesauce, and bananas. Like Colby was, you can't get food into her fast enough. She wakes up every few hours at night still to eat, but I don't mind because it's when we get our best cuddles in, and she's growing way too fast anyways.

Zoe is usually pretty laid back too, but she wants more Mama time. She's a little more laid back about her needs and will usually whimper for a diaper or bottle. For awhile. Then the screaming comes out. She loves her big brother and will laugh at him for hours. But she is a Mama's girl at heart and will let out huge sad tears while throwing out the pouty lip if she's not around Mama enough. She loves to chew on anything and will sit and inspect it so carefully. Her favorite toys are anything that belong to Colby- cars, trucks, trains. Basically anything with a small part that can be swallowed. She's not interested in her pacifier and I rarely even offer it anymore. She's like Colby in that way. She's not a fan of food and will only tolerate mixed grain cereal and squash, and only sometimes. She's a total chow hound at night and will eat 15-20oz at night. It's ridiculous, I can't get it into her fast enough it seems.

And me, well, I had an amazing 9 months off of work. The first 10 weeks were spent on bedrest, but after that, I've gotten to spend an amazing amount of time with all the kiddos. I know I was so lucky to get that time-- no time will ever be enough, but it was a good start. Everything about all 3 of them is going so quickly that it's hard to remember where we were even just a few months ago.

Of course it's not always all good. 2011 was the second full year without Connor in it. I'm always surprised how much that hurts and how it catches me so off guard. But we're still learning to live with our reality and it does help to tell Colby about Connor. To see him kiss Connor's heart. To see him point to pictures. I know he doesn't really get it, but it does help.

2012 has a lot of work to do if it's going to catch up to 2011. But we have 1st birthdays, a trip to Texas, a wedding we're all in, and a 3rd birthday to look forward to. There's sure to be so much more good in 2012 as well.

So, so long 2011. It's been fun.

Holiday Time

2011-12-25T11:18:00.000-05:00

Holidays are hard with a baby in heaven.

But also amazing as you watch the joy in the eyes of your other babies.

Back to Work

2011-12-20T20:55:00.002-05:00

I have been back at work for 2 days. I am tired. :) I get up at 5am to have time to pump and shower and get things squared away. The nanny gets here at 6:30 and I leave around 6:45 to avoid too much traffic. I get to school around 7:15, the kids get there at 8:15. I get through the morning and then I pump at lunch time. By then I'm dying. But then I get through the rest of the afternoon and pump before heading out the door. I'm home around 3:30 with the kids, play, and get dinner ready. Then it's baths if it's bath night or more playing if it's not. The kids are all down around 8, then it's clean up and pump and school work. By the time I'm ready for bed it's about 11 with one last pump session. Then it's lights out with lots of wake ups with the girls. The first night I was up 8 times and last night it was 9 times.

I'm so tempted to throw in the towel with pumping. At school there is no place for me to go, so I hide in the corner of my room and since it's so long between sessions I ended up spending my full 50 minutes pumping, so I get nothing done at lunch time. And I feel like I spend more time pumping in the evening than I get to spend actually playing with the girls and Colby. And then I'm up pumping around midnight and then 2 and then 5, so it limits my sleep even more. (Though I'm usually up with the girls anyhow)

BUT my goal was 10 months because that's how long I have the pump for free. And I do like knowing I'm providing for the girls 100%. And it's only a little more than 3 months away so it's doable, right? So I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid that school is going to really cut into my supply anyhow, so in the end I might be killing myself for nothing really.

Oh well. Point is, we're adjusting. I have 2.5 more days this week then it's vacation until Jan 3rd. Then it's back full time at which point my class really needs to be whipped into shape. It's a tough group behaviorally and academically and the sub did her best, but she was really just winging it. They write worse than my K class did in terms of both content and handwriting, so I have to tackle that. They have no real set schedule so I have to do that. There is no behavior management system so I have to tackle that. Basically I feel like I'm going to have to treat it like the beginning of school all over again & take the next 4-6 weeks establishing routines (like no talking and wandering around the room). I can take academic struggles any day, but the blatant disregard for proper behavior? That I cannot stand, so we'll hit that big time.

Sleep

2011-12-17T00:44:00.003-05:00

When the boys were born Johnny & I only had one other set of friends with a kid. She was 2 years older than Colby, so a little beyond our stage. So we went through NICU and babyhood and into toddlerhood "alone" without anyone else to compare to. (Well, except for everyone on here, but I digress.)

But now, with round 2 with the girls, it seems like everyone and their mother is having babies. On facebook just about every day there seems to be new baby pictures of friends and acquaintances and that random person I sat next to in Intro to Writing sophomore year. (Because BU got facebook back in the day when it was The Facebook and when you connected with people by classes.)

My point? Now we have lots of people to compare our kids to. Johnny even has a friend who had a baby boy the same day the girls were born. And Johnny does a lot of sleep comparing. (Which is actually a little funny because he has never gotten up with the girls and sleeps just fine through the night...)

He's always telling me about the 2 month old who sleeps 11 hours a night, or the 3 week old who slept for 7 hours straight or the baby who wakes up at 10am every morning.

So, this all brings out a question Johnny has been asking a lot lately:

Why don't our kids sleep?

Seriously, what am I doing wrong? Let's leave Colby out of this because I rocked him and cuddled him and he sleeps with us. Whatever. Lost cause. He'll be out of the bed before kindergarten, so I'm not worried.

But the girls. Seriously. They're not cuddlers. It's sad and makes me miss the cuddly Colby stage, but they're just not. They're interactive and fun as heck, but they won't just nuzzle in for a good nap or rock. Therefore, I can't cuddle them to sleep. Sydney especially- lay her down and give her a pacifier and she's good to go. Both can fall asleep on their own. They can both soothe themselves back to sleep with their pacifiers or hand sucking. The can both down 8+ ounces right before bed at 7:30/8pm.

So why do they wake up 3 or more times every night? What am I doing wrong? They seem to have all the "tools" to sleep through the night, but they still get hungry 2 or 3 times a night. And it's not that they wake up for a "snack". No, instead, around 11 then 2 then 5 they'll down another 4-5oz at a time. They definitely get most of their food at night. During they day they may take a 3oz bottle around 9, a 5oz bottle around 1 and then a 3oz bottle around 4 or 5. They go back to sleep easily after eating at night, so it's not like they have their days and nights mixed up. They're just late night eaters. How do I fix that?

Honestly, I don't really mind because I'm still getting up to pump and I do love the night time snuggle sessions (because they're more cuddly when half asleep than when awake during the day) but I feel the need to fix this more for them. I feel like they'd be more rested if they slept a longer stretch than 3 hours at a time. (Though, to be honest, it's not like they seem like they're not well rested, so really it might not be an issue...)

I've tried getting them to eat more during the day, but it doesn't really work. I've tried to "trick" them with a pacifier at night to cut the night feedings down, but that REALLY doesn't work. I don't want to do anything that is upsetting to them and if this is what they really do need then I DON'T want to do anything to change it. But any suggestions?

But I do keep telling Johnny... some babies and people just never do sleep all through the night. I have never been someone to sleep through the night. For as long as I can remember I've always gotten up 2-3 times for the bathroom or for a quick drink. Usually I'm up for 2 minutes tops and I can fall right back to sleep, though. Maybe the girls (and Colby) are just more like me?

(And before you ask, introducing solids has only succeeded in adding some messy late night diapers- it hasn't helped the sleep at all. Oh, and Zoe is not a fan of solids. As in, the second I try to feed her something she starts gagging and trying to throw it up.)

But they're so cute I can't stand it.

It's the time of year...

2011-12-08T23:34:00.001-05:00

...where everyone needs more time.

As time ticks away and I get closer and closer to going back to work I remember how much I still need to get done before Christmas. Because it's almost here... as in not this coming weekend, but the weekend AFTER. Seriously. (Yes, I know you all have calendars, but I had to remind myself. Again.)

I still have pretty much every single craft to finish...
- The coasters are awesome (I think!) and super cheap (16 cents a tile! + paper + paint + foam/cork on the bottom). BUT the rubber cement is killing brain cells (only mine, I'm smart enough to use it after the kiddos are in bed) so I haven't finished them all. (4 each x 6 people)
- The penguins are stamped in black, but I started to add the white yesterday and the black is bleeding through, so multiple coats are necessary.
- I still haven't stamped the girls butterflies because when I tried with Zoe, she proceeded to try to put her foot in her mouth. Fully painted. I need more hands.
- The handprint calendar is only done by 4 pages. Colby's attention span is slightly shorter than mine. (Slightly)
- We haven't hand printed the snowmen because I haven't set out the drying rack outside so I can hang & coat it so the paint doesn't chip.
- I haven't chosen the photos for the kids ornaments- though Colby did finish painting the stars.
- I haven't chosen the family photos to print and laminate for Colby's memory game. But I did decorate the box with scrapbook paper and letter stickers. I like it.
- Make family cards.

So, yeah. Busy. I did finish my mom's photo book & Johnny's mom's calendar though. And a few of our Secret Santa gifts have been purchased. And we got Colby a few trains & books & maybe 3 stocking stuffers. The girls have zip. Nada. We haven't even found them stockings.

And we still haven't taken pictures for our Christmas card. But last year we sent the cards out on December 27th. So we have time.

What else? Oh yes, I'm going back to school so I have to get some clothes that fit. (Seriously, zero clothes fit me now. Every pair of jeans fall off. No complaining, but it's a problem.) I have to register for my spring class. And figure out how to extend my teaching license. And start applying for jobs in SE MA. Because we might be moving & building sooner than we originally thought.

I'm starting to make myself anxious, so I'll calm down with this...

and this...

Obligatory Updates...

2011-12-05T23:56:00.001-05:00

I'm just so far behind in LIFE right now!

Christmas
I go back to work on the 19th, so I've been busy trying to get as much finished before Christmas as I can so that I don't have to worry about odds and ends my first week back. Thanks to my addiction (PINTEREST!) I came up with a ton of Christmas gift ideas - mostly for the grandparents - so I've been working on those with the kiddos...

The girls are making butterfly footprints...

Colby finger painted paper & I'm attaching it to tiles and making coasters.

Colby made a footprint penguin for each set of grandparents.

And Colby made handprint snowmen.

I think we have enough... but I LOVE this thumbprint ornament so much!

If you need ideas for the CUTEST crafts in the world, visit http://www.meetthedubiens.com/. Seriously, I could browse forever. (And about 90% of my "Kiddo Crafts" board on Pinterest is from that site!)

Back to Work

As mentioned, I'm back to work on the 19th. I vary from excited to nervous to plain old dread. My first week is 4.5 days long with a holiday concert thrown in on Tuesday. It will be interesting. When I got my list over the summer there were 21 kiddos on it... apparently they have had to move a few kids because they were just too hard to handle for the sub, so I'm a little worried about that! She wrote me an email awhile back telling me that they are "crazy but good". Hmmm...

But then again, I spend my time with a crazy 2 year old and 2 6-month olds. I like to think I can handle crazy.

We chose our nanny - we went with S. She came over today to hang out and get a better lay of the land. Colby warmed right up to her which isn't something he always does. Within minutes he had her building a train track for him to play with Thomas. That makes me feel a little better about the whole thing...

Sleep

The girls are still up 2-4 times a night every night. They like to eat at night. Sometimes I'm so over it and think that I have to stop feeding them on demand because they're 6 months old and they should be sleeping through the night. I worry that I'm creating bad habits and they'll become dependent on it blah blah blah. But then I remember that I did the same thing with Colby - I fed him bottles through the night for the longest time, but he outgrew it on his own terms and they will too.

And now the part that I feel like the worlds worst mother! We have forced hot air and it's pretty much the worst heating set up in the world. The girls sleep in our room and I close the door to keep out sound and light and because I hate sleeping with an open door. What that does though, is keep the room chilly because the sensor for the heat is downstairs and when downstairs registers the 70 degrees, upstairs is still chilly but the sensor doesn't know because the door is closed. And I put on the fan every night (pointing at the ceiling though) as white noise. (We have a sound machine on order for Christmas thankfully.) SO I'm always cold and sleep with two blankets & warm pjs. BUT being the idiot I am, I was putting the girls to sleep in their Rock N Plays (it's a nightmare transitioning to the crib from those!) in their pjs with 1 blanket draped over them. And they were both SO fussy. They'd squirm and be generally whiny all night -- though not waking up.

WELL the other night I woke up shivering because I had one blanket on. And then a lightbulb came on in my head. Here I am, an adult and I'm cold, what on earth must the girls feel like?? So I dug out a pile of blankets at 3 am and piled each girl with about 4 blankets. (It's safer in the Rock N Plays because I can easily tuck the blankets in and because the girls are strapped in and can't move). Both girls slept like rocks for 3.5 hours after that. Yes, it might not sound like much, but that is HUGE around here. No fussing or whining in between. Then this AM Zoe slept until 8:45am! I actually went in to wake her up. She was so toasty and snuggly in her bed. So now I feel like I have been torturing my daughters for months by making them sleep in a freezing room with no warmth and their whining was just because they were cold! :(

Diapers

The girls are finally big enough to start cloth diapering fulltime and I'm so excited. I love the cloth diapers and they give me such a sense of satisfaction that I'm doing something else. They're so easy and CUTE. (Yes, that's a motivating factor!) I'm still waiting to get a full stash (Christmas!) but so far I grovia and thirsties that fit the girls. I'm still getting used to the snaps and getting the right fit, but I'm happy with it!

Solids

The girls 6 month check is on Thursday so I'll be starting solids this week. Maybe that will help the girls sleep even LONGER. Johnny got some veggies for me to start cooking up. We have a Beaba Babycook so I'm going to try to make most of the food that the girls eat. I think I mentioned before that we're skipping over all of the white rice cereal and jumping right into veggies. I'm excited to see how the girls do. :)

Well I have a lot more to update about the kiddos, but it's 12:30am and this mama needs some sleep before the next feeding!

Showing off his choo choo collection!

Password Protection Question

2011-11-21T23:41:00.001-05:00

Is there any way to password protect some entries on blogger, but to keep most of the blog non-password protected?

Back to Work

2011-11-19T23:24:00.001-05:00

Today is November 19th & this is post 17 for the month, so I'm not too doing too badly with this whole NoBloPoMo thing.

I go back to work in exactly 1 month. I'm terrified & dreading it. But I'm also looking forward to meeting my class. Apparently they're a little crazy. It's going to be a huge transition & I'm going to be so much more exhausted. It will be a song & dance of work-kids-grad class (my last class before the practicums so I can finally have my MEd!). I think the word will be exhausting. But you can do anything for 5 months, right?

We've been interviewing perspective nannies. We've met 2, we have 2 more lined up.

The first one, J, was just "meh". I really liked her when we met and she has a cutie 2 year old she could bring to play with Colby sometimes. And we were actually ready to offer her the position, but after thinking about it for a little more I just started to feel uneasy about her. I'm not sure what it was/is exactly, but something tells me she's just not a good fit for us.

Then we met with another girl, S. I really, really liked her. She seems like a really great fit. She's younger than me (I'm starting to feel really old lately) without her own kids, but her personality & how much Colby liked her just seemed right. So I would totally have offered her the position, but I want to see what all of our options are.

So we'll meet with M & A on Monday and decide from there. I'm liking our prospects. It makes me feel a little better about going back to work.

I'm still a little (a lot) scared about how Colby especially is going to handle the transition. He's such a Mama's boy & I don't want him to feel abandoned. (Just thinking that makes my heart ache a bit) Today we were at Johnny's aunt's house and I snuck upstairs to pump. About 10 minutes in Johnny & Colby popped in because Colby went up to Johnny with "a single tear" and said sadly "Dada, I no see Mama..." So I'm really worried about him.

And the girls are Mama's girls too. Zoe just gives this look that lets you know she needs me right then. It's such a sad look and she will find me across the room. And I don't want to lose the closeness and the bond that we have.

And in addition to being worried about them, I'm worried about someone seeing the separation anxiety for what it is and being willing to work through the crazy transition because there are apt to be some awful days.

So, one more month with my amazing, beautiful, perfect children.

I know I can be a good mom through all of this. And I know I've done it before, but it's still so, so hard.

Sharing responsibilities... does that actually happen?

2011-11-18T22:36:00.001-05:00

From my calculations, the girls are 178 days old.

I have been getting up to pump every 3-4 hours during the night for 178 nights. (Though usually much more frequently with the girls wake up schedule.)

Zoe spent 11 days in the NICU.

Sydney spent 13 days in the NICU.

So I have had two babies in my house for 165 nights.

(Though if we're being technical they spent 2 nights with my parents.)

So for arguments sake, I have done every single night time feeding/diaper change/soothing for 163 nights.

Times two babies.

And I have not slept more than 4 hours in a row for 178 days.

And I have not slept a full night since at least March.

And I have not slept more than probably 3 full nights back-to-back since before Colby was born.

(He STILL wakes up 2-3 times a night begging for water.)

Johnny, on the other hand, was in charge a total of 2 "Colby nights" in the beginning + the time I was on bedrest in the hospital. (I was in the hospital 20 days)

So, you can imagine my annoyance when he was getting ready to go to a comedy show tonight (I was getting ready to put the 3 kiddos to bed) and sarcastically said "You know the best part? I'll probably get home at like 3am and you'll still wake me up at 7!"

World Prematurity Day

2011-11-17T03:47:00.001-05:00

With World Prematurity Day upon us, I don't even know what to think or say.

Our lives have lived and breathed prematurity since that day I was placed on bedrest at 23.2 weeks with the boys. At that point, we hoped and prayed for as much time as possible, but no one thought we would make it until 40 weeks. It was a waiting game of when the boys would enter our lives. We all just hoped it wouldn't be too soon.

And it was and wasn't.

And since that day, prematurity has ruled our lives.

So I feel like I should say more, but instead for now I can only think how thankful I am for my 4 wonderful, preemie miracles.

They're my heroes.

They're the strongest people I know.

I've been bitten

2011-11-14T23:48:00.001-05:00

So... my babies are 11 days shy of 6 months.

They're adorable & squishy & I love them to death.

I visited a friend who just had a baby yesterday.

And I decided I want another baby.

Soon. :)

It's not going to happen for awhile, but officially bit by the baby bug again.

On being happy...

2011-11-13T21:59:00.001-05:00

When there is calm throughout the day, everyone is peaceful and happy, I often think that I'm the happiest person in the world.

How could I not when I look at their faces?

And when Colby's talking up a storm

Or the girls are rolling around on the floor

Or smiling up at me

I often think I'm the luckiest person in the world.

When I have these thoughts, I often feel guilty. How can I feel like I'm the happiest or the luckiest when I can only parent and hug 3/4 of my children?

So, I might be happy. Colby, Sydney, and Zoe are amazing and cute and funny. They make the world go round.

But the happiest person? I'm not sure it's possible.

Or I might be lucky. Colby is defying all the odds of a 27 week old baby who spent 2 weeks on a ventilator.

I often forget that the girls were even premature, or that their lives were in the balance at 27 weeks.

But the luckiest person? Obviously we'd be luckier if we had brought two babies home from the NICU 2 years ago.

Luckier still if they had been born full term, or it bedrest had never happened, or... well, the list goes on and on.

It seems it's all a matter of perspective I guess.

I'm not saying that I can't be happy or feel lucky, because life is pretty amazing most of the time, but I constantly have a nagging thought in the back of my head:

Life can never be perfect.

And yes, I know, life isn't perfect for anyone. But I have already experienced the best of life. It was back when I was finally pregnant with the boys.

Happy. Naive.

Thinking I would be one of the few to make it to 40 weeks with twins. Because I never considered anything else.

Never did I dream I'd be having two of the less-than-1% of babies born before 28 weeks. Never did I dream I'd be saying goodbye to my first son at only 2 days old. Never did I think I would be here.

That's when life was best. When I didn't know- and I really thought that perfection was possible. Now it's not bad by any stretch of the imagination. We find joy in the big and the little. Giggles light up the mornings and cuddles settle us in for the night. We laugh and love and enjoy the amazing little beings we have.

But now we know. We're stronger for it. We're more cautious.

But we're changed and a bit broken.

And happiness continues to be possible. But I'm afraid that I'll only forever be struggling to be as happy as I once was.

But it won't happen, because part of my heart is missing and broken.

Gone when those monitors stopped beeping.

Wedding Weekend

2011-11-13T08:53:00.001-05:00

I'm just a little off from posting every day, but this is still more than I normally would and that's the point right? :)

_____________

This weekend we headed down to a friend's wedding on Friday night. (11-11-11) Like an idiot I didn't get any pictures, but she looked absolutely beautiful (Hi Crystal!). It was a wedding where I didn't really know anyone at all, but it was also one of such an amazing couple & such a great friend that it didn't really matter. Being there for them was enough.

If you've seen 27 Dresses, there is a point where one of the characters says something about watching the groom when the bride walks in.

"You know how the bride makes her entrance and everybody turns to look at her? That’s when I look at the groom. Cause his face says it all you know? The pure love there."

Since I've seen that movie, I've started doing that- watching the groom when everyone else watches the bride make her entrance. It's true- the face of the groom when the bride walks in says everything.

And Ryan's said it all on Friday.

It's been interesting to be on the outside of Crystal & Ryan's relationship. I don't see Crystal very much (AT ALL) but I still love her to death. And it's interesting because I've known Ryan longer than I've known Crystal. Crystal and I met in 5th grade, but Ryan went to school with me from the beginning of time. And Ryan's always been someone I've liked, so I love that Crystal & he are so happy.

But the point that I think I decided that I really liked Crystal & Ryan together was when Connor died. At that point I hadn't seen Crystal in a while. She had visited me on bedrest in the hospital (with her mom & brother- I love her family) but before that we'd kept in touch but never managed to see each other as much as we wanted. And it might have actually been when I was on bedrest that I learned that she and Ryan had started dating...

And I hadn't seen Ryan since I think high school. But they were both there and it meant so much. They could have easily skipped out, or Ryan could have said 'thanks but not thanks, I'm not going' because to him I was just some random person from school.

But they didn't & it meant the world to me. Everyone said that they would be there for us, but Crystal & Ryan really were. (And Crystal was my first friend to visit Colby when he was only a week or so old! She sat in his room with me for hours just staring at the isolette with me. We could hardly even lift the blanket that blocked the light from him, so she could hardly even see him. At that point we didn't really know if he would live or die, but she sat there with me. She never complained or even seemed annoyed or bored with it. And it meant so very much.

So with that, I'm so very happy for Mr. & Mrs. Sherman. I love you both! :)

Randoms Again

2011-11-10T23:13:00.001-05:00

So I'm failing at this NoBloPoMo thing. Missing two days isn't so bad though, is it?

Today we're on to randomness because I can't think straight I'm so tired...

Johnny worked til 9 & it was rainy so it was a crazy day. Colby just wanted to go outside (because it has been ridiculously beautiful the last few days and we have spent every moment outside that we could) but we couldn't so he was just off the wall. Then he didn't nap despite my trying to get him to nap for 2.5 hours. So he was just plain crazy (cute) all evening.
We (and by "we", I mean "I" because Johnny has still never helped with night time routine or night wakings. Period.) finally, finally, finally have the kids in a bedtime routine that has them all in bed and sleeping by 8:30pm most nights. It's not perfect... the girls usually still wake up just a few hours later (if Sydney doesn't start moving around sooner), the girls are still in their Rock n Plays (they're transitioning to their cribs finally, but we're going away this weekend for a wedding so I decided not to push the whole routine when it would just be lost this weekend anyways), & Colby is still in our bed. BUT I feel like I have the whole night when I come downstairs at 8:30 rather than 10:30 or 11.
The girls are just growing up so fast it's making me a wee bit sad. So much of life is picking which fire to put out next (which crying child to tend to, which disaster to avert, etc.) that I feel like I'm not just enjoying them enough. Don't get me wrong- I spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with them & Colby all day every day. But it's just not the same as when it was just me and Colby and I could pick him up and hold him and cuddle him all day long.
Is it crazy that I'm already thinking about wanting baby #5? (Don't tell Johnny, he might completely go crazy for that one!) (And yes, I know this one doesn't really make sense when I'm talking about feeling like I'm not enjoying the girls enough...)
Having 3 kids seems easier than having 1. Is that crazy? I remember with Colby I was lucky if I got out of my PJs most days. Now I get all three dressed and fed & out the door most days. Usually it's just for a walk around the development, but sometimes it's shopping or to visit or for appointments. And I usually shower every day(!!!!). Granted it's an orchestration of baths & then setting kids up in safe places while I shower, but I still do it. The only difference, having 3 kids seems more like a routine & battle plan, while having just Colby was much more go-with-the-flow.
I go back to school in mid-December. We're still working on child care... I'm trying to find someone amazing who will cost us less than my paycheck. And as a teacher, I don't make much. Therefore, we're looking for someone amazing who basically wants to work for minimum wage.
And on top of all that, I have to start a grad class in January. So it will be work, class, 3 kids. The thought terrifies me.

Play Challenge: 7

2011-11-08T00:03:00.000-05:00

So we're a little off on our play days, but we'll get them all in!

Day 7's challenge was "Mega Floor Doodles"

I thought Colby would have a blast with this one. We picked up some big art paper at Target today. I had been looking for a roll of art paper, but we were out of lucky, so instead I taped 12 pieces of paper into a giant rectangle on the floor. I did this while he was napping & set out crayons, colored pencils (a random buy he asked for at Target, and he never asks for anything while shopping so I went with it), pencils, and stamps.

When he woke up from his nap his eyes lit up to see the paper and all of the materials. He usually loves to draw and color so I was excited. Unfortunately it kind of fizzled out after that. We traced his feet and drew a few shapes, but he just wasn't really that into it.

Perhaps we'll try another day...

Excuse the mega-bed-head. Like I said, he just woke up.

2 years

2011-11-06T22:35:00.000-05:00

So I'm a little behind on the play days. Yesterday we were supposed to make playdough, but it was a busy day, so we'll get to that this week.

Anyways, yesterday was a pretty big day around these parts.

Yesterday was November 5th.

2 years ago Colby came home from the hospital.

Ventilators. CPAPs. Cannulas. Monitors. Blood transfusions. IVs. Antibiotics. Blood gas readings. Metabolic Acidosis. PDA. PFO. Apnea. Bradychardia. Feeding tubes. Incubators. Isolettes. O2 Saturation. Heel pricks.

They all didn't matter anymore.

Because Colby was home.

healthy. happy.

alive.

Some days I think that this milestone is bigger than his birthday.

2 years home called for a celebration, don't you think?

though i tend to think every day is a celebration

So while Colby was out with Daddy, I ran out and picked up a balloon, blocks, and a game.

Because I would do anything to make him smile.

And his "oh, wow, mama!" when he saw the balloon could melt my heart.

And I was reminded again why I love to be a Mama.

Why I'm so lucky to have him.

And why my heart aches for what's lost.

Because two miracles were born in July.

But I'm only lucky enough to cuddle one.

To celebrate with one.

To hug one.

To have one call me Mama.

Though I love two.

If I hated someone...

2011-11-05T00:14:00.003-04:00

Today I was in the hospital for a hematology check.

(Consensus is that clot is probably gone.)

((I don't even care.))

Anyways, who do we pass but Dr. C.

My questionable high risk from the boys' pregnancy.

The one who put me on bedrest.

Because babies at 23 weeks mean "no babies".

The one who never visited during the month I was laid up wondering if my babies would live.

The one who never visited when the boys were born at 27 weeks.

The one who never visited when one of my babies didn't live.

Yeah, that guy.

Anyways, I always say that I don't hate anyone.

But if I did hate someone, it would be that guy.

Play Challenge: 4

2011-11-04T22:14:00.000-04:00

Today's challenge was Pretend Islands! Just like it sounds, you were to use household objects to create pretend islands to play on & jump to & off of & around. Pillows were the likely object, but we're lacking in the throw pillow department, so instead Colby helped me separate the foam floor mat. We threw them around the downstairs & then we began island hopping!

Colby lives life dangerously and spent some time in the "water".

Play Challenge: 3

2011-11-03T21:20:00.000-04:00

When I started this challenge I told Johnny that it was meant to only use standard things you would have at home. Johnny jokingly asked, "If we don't have the items needed, does that mean we have a bad house?" I said yes and we laughed it off.

Enter Challenge Day 3. We needed a tub of blocks to build towers and create cool things. Now we have blocks, but we don't have a ton of any one kind. Instead we have 10 of the infamous $80 blocks (did I ever mention those here?), a set of Little People blocks, and then random small sets of pop blocks, duplos, stacking blocks, etc. Not enough of any one kind to make anything cool.

And so, Day 3 has been postponed.

We'll get a bucket of duplos and come back to it.

Play Challenge: 2

2011-11-02T22:16:00.003-04:00

Today's challenge was to build a fort.

After hitting myself on the side of the head for not thinking of building a fort sooner (seriously, we did it all the time growing up and it's so easy!) I was super excited to start some fort construction with Colby.

I decided to wait until after nap time so that everyone would be at their happiest because I knew it would involve leaving the girls a to lounge a bit as we constructed. The only thing I grabbed from out of the room was a few sheets from the pile of unfolded laundry upstairs. Otherwise the blankets and supports were already in the living room.

And ta da!

Colby loved it! And I thought it was pretty neat to. We had few entrances and even added the tunnel for access. Colby thought it was funny when I got in the fort by sliding in the tunnel. :)

All in all, a huge success... until Colby decided to try to walk on top of the fort. Then playtime was over.

Busy time of year

2011-11-02T00:48:00.000-04:00

This time of year- late October/early November has been pretty eventful for Johnny & I the past few years.

2007: We were smack dab in the middle of infertility testing. We were doing ultrasounds, blood work, and the HSG. (Uggh)

2008: We found out we were pregnant from our 3rd IUI cycle only to have it end in miscarriage in early November.

2009: We were celebrating Colby's first Halloween in the NICU, I was still dealing with the loss of Connor (and still am), and we were able to welcome Colby home days later.

2010: We were celebrating our newest pregnancy , celebrating Colby's one-year-home-iversary, and awaiting the ultrasound that would reveal twins: round 2.

2011: Finally things seem to be settling down a bit in life. :) But it's pretty great.

Play Challenge: 1

2011-11-01T23:59:00.000-04:00

To make my life more challenging, I'm going to try to partake in the 30 Days to Hands on Play challenge presented on hands on : as we grow & The Imagination Tree.

Because I need to do something else.

Clearly.

But I'm really excited about this one because I have just over a month left home with the 3 kiddos & I don't want to regret not spending every second with them that I can. I'm going to focus more on Colby simply because he "plays" and it's a toddler activity thing, but I'm going to really try to get at least 15 minutes of one-one-one attention with each of the girls as well.

So to start the challenge, Day 1's task is to complete a mission statement and think about your child's likes and dislikes.

Mine is something like: I hope to focus more on engaging Colby, Sydney, and Zoe more in what interests them without worrying about the little things (cleaning, laundry, etc.). I also hope to discover new things that really grab Colby's attention and new ways to play together.

Colby's Likes
- trucks, cars, trains-- things with wheels
- puzzles
- dancing
- cooking & baking
- catching & throwing balls
- being outside
- water (shower, bath, pool, puddles)
- painting

NaBloPoMo: 1

2011-11-01T17:12:00.002-04:00

The first question for this NaBloPoMo is simply, what is my favorite thing about writing?

Everyone else.

I only really like writing on a blog... which is why I have several. I usually hate my handwriting so I like typing things out better. In all seriousness, blogging is a neat way to journal while kind of scrapbooking at the same time.

I started back when Johnny and I were first trying to start a family. I guess techinally we were about a year in, but it still feels like forever ago. In the beginning we were keeping our fertility issues to ourselves simply to protect from prodding questions and having to share negatives with our families. So I loved writing because I found this little segment of the world that was facing the exact same things I was. It was so interesting when I first realized that there were other blogs out there about infertility and suddenly I felt like this whole world had opened up. People got "it". So I fell in love with blogging then. I never really considered myself "good" or considered it a hobby, though. Instead writing was simply a way to share our journey.

Then we got pregnant, went on bed rest, had the boys, Connor died, we faced the NICU, and life continued on. Writing continued to be a way to share the journey. It also became a way to work through my... life. If I look back through the vaults, I probably have about another 200 or so started drafts on my blog. Usually they're issues or thoughts that came to me late at night, or in the shower, or while listening to the beeping in the NICU, or while rocking the girls to sleep. I'd start writing to work through whatever I was thinking about. Sometimes I'd feel better. Sometimes I'd quit writing. Sometimes I'd come back later and finish. And usually if I did manage to post, there was someone out there who understood.

So I guess my favorite thing is simply the community that I've found.

Oh, and sharing my cuter than cute kids.

Woody, Buzz, & Jessie.

Poor Sydney- first Halloween and already dressed as a boy.

A cuter picture is forthcoming- Halloween was postponed around here until Sunday.

Because towns have the power to do that.

NaBlogPoMo

2011-11-01T16:57:00.001-04:00

So I signed up for BlogHer's NaBloPoMo on a whim. I'm not sure why... I guess I need something else on my already overloaded plate? Just for fun I guess... but if my "30 Day Photo Challenge" on facebook is any indication, I might not finish. (I only did 2 of the 30 days of photos and then I was on bedrest with oodles of time.)

So, follow along or sign up. It should be interesting. (The other posts, not mine... I'm still a little confused. As in I'm having a hard time remembering where I found the bloglist...)

happy november

Milk thaw

2011-10-31T10:15:00.000-04:00

We had a pretty major-ish snow storm. (Yes, in October. I will never love NE weather...)

Johnny, the kids, & I left as soon as the power went out at 7:30 on Sat night.

It's Monday at 10:15am & power is still out. (Kids & I are at my parents.)

Those 200+ bags of well over 1,000oz of pumped milk are in serious danger.

I may cry.

5 Months

2011-10-28T23:50:00.000-04:00

5 Months

I love Colby's crooked smile.

Randoms

2011-10-27T23:43:00.002-04:00

I'm tired. Really, really tired. I haven't slept more than 4ish hours in a row since May. It's more like 3.5 because it's at most 4 hours between pumpings, so if I pumped at 12 then I'd be done at 12:30 and I'd be up again at 4. (At the latest, but these girls don't believe in the latest.)
The girls are rolling monsters. I don't remember Colby ever being quite so determined to roll all the time- it's difficult just to get a diaper on them sometimes!
Colby is so funny and cute that I can't stand it. He asked me "Mama, are you princess?" in the car yesterday. I want to freeze him right where he is to keep him this age forever... but he gets cuter and funnier every day, so I'm not sure what the ideal age would be.
I am dreading going back to work. Not the work part, but the leaving the kids part. Colby is attached to my hip and crying and throwing up commonly ensue when I'm not with him. The girls are definite Mama's Girls, too. Sometimes they just need their Mama to be calmed down and soothed. And really, I don't want to lose the closeness I have with any of them and I know it will diminish some when I go back.
On that note, Colby will not let anyone but me put him to bed. The girls will not calm down at night for Johnny. Period. So most nights I get the girls settled downstairs then head up with Colby. By the time I'm done with the first story usually a girl is screaming downstairs so Johnny will bring her up to me and she'll cuddle in with me while we finish stories and Colby falls asleep. It's a little frustrating that I have to do pretty much everything and that the whole routine can sometimes take until 10:30 at night which is just crazy. But I do love the extra snuggle time with the girls.
Tonight Johnny worked until 9, so I had all 3 for the whole day myself. In an effort to really get a good routine going, I started having Colby pick up at 7. All three were upstairs, in their beds, and asleep by 8:30, though Sydney did wake briefly at 9:30 or so. Score one for me... no more 10:30 nights with these kids. :)
If I had known that pumping and breastfeeding were such effective wight loss solutions I wouldn't have stopped after having Colby. I'm still dropping some weight... which is actually a little annoying as far as having no pants that fit. But I digress... I read somewhere that it takes about 1000 calories to produce milk for one baby a day. I'm producing enough for 3+, so that's about 3000+ calories. It's impossible for me to take in that many extra calories... though I do try.
Speaking of pumping, I am so sick of the pump that it's ridiculous. I pump 10+ times a day, so about 5 hours a day. I'm secretly looking forward to March when the pump is due back. But until then, I'm enjoying the savings.
Our new deep freezer? Pretty much completely full of 200+ bags of milk. I'll have to look into donating some of the older milk to make room for newer milk.
Syd's waking up... so I'm off.

There's so much to write... so I'll write nothing

2011-10-24T12:46:00.002-04:00

The verdict is that I need to get the "No Cry Sleep Solutions for Toddlers" book. I have the No Cry book for babies & it was helpful with Colby so hopefully the toddler version is helpful too.

I'm working on making Colby a picture book of our nighttime routine, so that will be nice to have too.

I guess I should reread the baby book too so I can get in a groove with the girls. :)

Other than that, life is good. I have about a million unfinished posts that I can't quite get my thoughts around. We're looking into moving. We're looking into how to make it possible for me to stay at home. We're looking into a change of careers for me if it has to go that way. We're working on dividing responsibilities more. I'm working on dealing with everything that comes with having 4 under 3 when I can only hold 3 of them. Basically, there's a lot going on...

I am loving it all though...

Now, the girls are napping & Colby's so close so I'm off to pinterest. Because that's so much more important than dishes or putting away the mess in Colby's room.

How did you manage sleep?

2011-10-20T23:21:00.002-04:00

It's no secret that Colby's sleep habits are... lacking. I know it's totally my fault... I refused to do any sort of crying tactics with him because (1) he was my itty bitty NICU baby (2) with lung issues I didn't want to risk any asthmatic-type episodes (3) he can throw up when he cries too much and (4) I can't bear to listen to him cry. So instead we had a pretty good routine which worked. He went to bed easily in his crib, woke up maybe once or twice, but I could get him back down. Then the routine was rocked when I had the embryo transfer and then it was completely thrown out the window when I had the cerclage and couldn't pick him up like I used to. So he started sleeping in our bed for part of the night. Then he started only sleeping in our bed. And sometimes he goes to bed in 10 minutes and sometimes it's more like an hour. And I have to be there. I know I have to change this, especially if I want to stay sane once I go back to school, but I'm not entirely sure how.

He naps pretty well... he goes to sleep on his own and I don't have to be right there. He'll stay down for 1.5-3 hours depending on what we did that day.

The girls go to bed around 8 as well. They can wake up a few times before they're truly settled, but I think this is more because they get startled (why do I always drop pans and toys when they're sleeping?). They sleep really well... they wake around 12:30-1:30 and then again at 5 and then we're usually up around 7 for the day. They can put themselves to sleep and often they do fall asleep on their own because I have to deal with someone else who is screaming bloody murder. They take 3 naps usually... 2 shorter naps of 30 minutes to an hour and one longer nap of 1.5 hours to 3 hours.

So... I know I have to shake Colby's habits up. It will be a slow transition because I will not do any crying techniques. If they worked for you, great. :) But I'm not up for that... especially because he pretty much throws up any time he cries super hard now. (I think he learned that it's a good defense mechanism and he will make himself gag to throw up while crying.)

I'm just curious how you got your kiddos to sleep how they do? (Good or bad) I know some people used CIO techniques, but I'm assuming some other people didn't. I'm more curious about the non-crying techniques. :)

And for the record, I really am not judging anyone who has done cry-it-out. I'm just not strong enough for that... I'm actually a little (or VERY) jealous that you have kiddos who can sleep! :)

Time flies

2011-10-13T00:54:00.003-04:00

I know I'm not saying anything new here, but HOLY COW, can time go any faster?

It's already mid-October. Fall is here. The temperature is dropping. Colby is gearing up to be Woody for Halloween. I'm mere weeks away from going back to work. Seriously? That was ages and ages away not too long ago.

Anywho... the girls are 4.5 months old. They're cooing and smiling and rolling (& rolling & rolling & rolling). I'm beginning to realize how skewed my vision of the infancy stage is/was due to Colby's prematurity. The girls are 4.5 months... they both have teeth (buds) and they both roll front to back & back to front. At first I thought they were SO young and advanced because Colby's first tooth appeared at 8 months and he finally rolled back to front somewhere around there to. But then I remember the whole adjusted age & corrected age thing and realize that they're really not so different. 4.5 months vs. 5.5 months corrected for Colby. BUT THEN I remember the girls were premature too so really corrected they're like 3 months, so really I don't know what to think.

Except that time is speeding up.

The girls are real babies now. They're not squishy newborns anymore. And they haven't really be for awhile. They have personalities and wants.

Really, I don't know what to say except that I cannot believe that they're so old already.

Both girls are still in our room right now next to the bed. We moved Colby into his room right around 6.5 months or 3.5 corrected, so I'm not sure when I'm going to be ready to shake things up. On average they go to sleep around 8pm & then wake around 1 or 2am. I feed then they go back to bed and are up again around 4 or 5am & they eat again. Then they're up for the day around 6:30 or 7am. During the day they take about a 45 minute nap around 9 or 10, a 1-2 hour nap around 1pm, and then another quick nap around 5 or 6. Colby loves them to death still, so I'm very happy we got through this stage without jealousy. :)

And we've been busy. All 3 of my brothers and my mom have birthdays in September. We had cookouts and family parties like crazy from August to September. We did A Day Out With Thomas & apple picking this past weekend. Tomorrow my brother flies in from Texas and we have my other brother's Engagement Party in NY this weekend. We've been walking and painting and cooking and having a (n exhausting) blast.

Apple Picking

Pumpkins pre-hay ride.

Enjoying an apple in the orchard.

Someone needed an emergency change.

Zoe thinking we're all crazy.

A Day Out With Thomas

Loving the train ride

Zoe being cuddly with Grampy

And Syd hanging with Daddy

I'm working hard to soak in every minute I have with these kiddos at this age. Each day they get more and more fun and funny, but I don't want to miss things as they are. :)

Zoe laughing at Colby

2011-10-04T23:27:00.000-04:00

I could watch this all day, every day for the rest of my life.

Colby hopped into the big tub while I was bathing the girls the other night. He sat at the end of the baby tub & dropped the wash cloths into the water. Zoe found this to be HI.LAR.I.OUS.

Update... because that's all the time I have lately!

2011-09-28T03:01:00.001-04:00

Just a super quick update while pumping...

The girls were 4 months on Sunday. I can't believe how fast this is all going. The both roll over front to back & Zoe is so close to back to front that it's crazy.
They're in the midst of teething... drooling, chomping on fists, fussiness... you get it. I'm not ready for that!
We still wake at night... typically they're asleep by 8 pm or so, then they wake around 11, then again around 3, then 5, then 7. I dread the 5am wake up because by the time they nurse & I pump it's usually so close to them waking again for the day. I'm still tired, but the key is doing things during the day. If I sit on the couch or allow myself to lay down for even a second, it's all over. But if I'm playing trains or we're playing out back or we go for a walk then I'm fine. I just crash later. :)
Nursing is still a struggle... Sydney definitely prefers the bottle. I guess I'm not surprised because of their NICU stay & then my lack of nursing in favor of pumping in the beginning. She'll nurse pretty well when tired, but otherwise it's a bit of a fight. I persevere so she always gets most of her feed from nursing but there has to be a bottle or 2 during the day to really fill her up. Zoe does really well nursing & can take a full feed. I'm still pumping every 2-3 hours all day every day. It's easier to pump more now than it was in the beginning because we have a good routine now. I'm freezing about 10-20oz every day so our deep freezer is almost overflowing already. I'm just so happy that with nursing & pumping I'm meeting their needs 100%+. Because formula is expensive & these girls can be PIGS.
They still use the shields and I'm not sure we'll ever get to give those up. I do try, but not nearly as much as I should simply because sometimes struggling with Sydney is all the drama anyone can take. She hates me enough for making her nurse... I can't even imagine the struggle it would be to make her try to make it harder. Maybe one day. :)
Colby had a great time in California with Johnny and tells me on a daily basis that he's "go fly pane marrow" (going on a plane tomorrow).

Well, it's 3 & I started this whole song and dance of nursing & pumping at 1:25, so I'm off to try to catch some zzzz's.

Creativity Help?

2011-09-18T22:00:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I'm pretty technologically impaired.

How do I save font colors on my header? Or even change the font besides the boring ones offered? Or even make a more interesting header?

Mama Mooo

2011-09-15T20:27:00.001-04:00

This is what you get when you pump every 2 hours all day in addition to nursing.

We had to buy a new deep freezer just for all of the milk.

So far there is about 500 oz in there.

But then again when you think about it... that's not really that much when they each drink > 25oz a day.

It's a dry-erase freezer.

Johnny decorated it.

Love

2011-09-12T02:00:00.001-04:00

It's no secret that Johnny drives me absolutely crazy much of the time. Sometimes to the point that I wonder what exactly drew us to one another in the beginning.

When I'm exhausted and in the middle of doing my 57th chore of the night & he's lounging on the couch watching reruns of the Sopranos I want to scream. And kick his butt. When I come down from putting Colby to bed (an ordeal that can last an hour sometimes after bath & stories) and he's sitting on the computer playing with ESPN.com and there is a sink of bottles to be washed I want to kick his butt. When the girls are ready to eat their last feed of the night and he's begging to go to bed instead of helpinh I want to kick his butt. I think you get the idea.

So, as a result we bicker & tease a bit. Sometimes we take it well. Other times, when I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and just need a hand but don't think I should have to ask... well, then it turns into a fight usually. And I'm a bad fighter because I drag in stupid old annoyances that aren't even related to the issue at hand. I stomp off. I refuse to admit I'm wrong. I'm stubborn.

And sometimes my mind wanders and I find myself convincing my mind that I could totally handle everything on my own. That I could skip town with the kids and be totally fine because he doesn't help much. And I've let those thoughts eat away at me & build up. Until the point that I have felt like I am perfect & he's just.. not.

But perspective comes from some strange places sometimes.

I was watching Downsized on WE tv the other day. Incase you've never heard of it, it's a reality tv show and the premise involves a blended family with 7 kids which was hit hard during the recession. They had to face foreclosure and bankruptcy and bad choices in general. The show follows their efforts to get back on their feet.

Anyways, in a recent episode the parents were arguing about some issue or another & the younger 10 year old daughter confided that she was nervous about her mom & step dad getting a divorce. So the little girl was asking her mom about her relationship with her biological dad and why they got divorced and why the new marriage was different and so on and so forth.

And the mom answered simply that things were different because she never once questioned if Todd (husband #2) loved her. She just knew that he did unconditionally.

And this got me thinking about me & Johnny. Looking past the nights where he doesn't come to bed because he's watching football. And past the unwashed bottles and unlaundered bottles. Past the lazy nights on the couch & three fantasy football teams. Past the annoyances that have plagued me over the past 5 years.

And I realized that I have it good. Because when I take stock... when I really step back and think... there is not an ounce in my body that questions if Johnny loves me. Because I know that, for some stupid reason, he does 100%. And that's something I've never doubted nor have ever had to doubt. I don't always get it because I KNOW I can be a pain & stubborn & hold ridiculously high standards.

I might have to spell it out for him & ask for exactly what I need, but he would do absolutely anything for me & I know that. I could ask him to wash all the bottles every night and he would. I could ask him to do all the laundry & he would. I realize it's just not something that he might think of on his own. And I've always resented that, but it doesn't matter.

I'm pretty lucky.

And with that in mind, the past few days I've been trying to be better for him. The bottles are still unwashed and he's still watching tv (though he finished the Soprano reruns this weekend), but in the end, it doesn't matter. Because I know that he's there for me unconditionally & forever.

Because I've never questioned that he loves me.

Just that he knows how to wash a bottle...

Still alive & questions

2011-09-10T01:49:00.003-04:00

Three months of these little beauties.

Just typing that makes my heart flutter a little bit.

Three months- a quarter of a year. They're getting so big- both girls are a little over 10 pounds. They're in 0-3 clothes, but like their brother they're long & lean. They need the length, but pants and skirts fall off their waist. That's fine though because we rarely have time in the day to get out of a onesie. :)

They have such different & distinct personalities.

Sydney's still our drama queen. Everything is a HUGE deal and MUST be attended to immediately. She has to be pinned down to nurse or drink from a bottle or else she flails like a fish out of water. It usually takes at least 5 tries & the help of a pacifier to get her to latch on. It's frustrating, but I'm trying to stick with it. :) She eats less than her sister but is somehow just a tad bigger. She takes eating in stride and won't take more than an ounce or so without needing a break. She sleeps more than Zoe, but when she's awake she's just as alert and nosey. She rolled over for the first time the other day, quite gracefully I might add. Colby used to smash his oversized head on the floor, but Syd took it all in stride. She's a huge smiler and is so close to laughing. She loves the Moby but isn't to sure of the Bjorn yet. She can only sleep & settle if she's swaddled lately- and let's you know that she's tired by screaming.

Zoe's more laid back & cries much less. Diapers bring a whimper and hunger elicits a cry that can be soothed while she's waiting. As a result this poor girl comes in second quite a bit. Sometimes I do her first because I feel badly that she's always second, but then I realize that she probably doesn't care. She's always awake, often just staring happily at the world. You can tell she's tired when she gets fussy and when her left eyelid gets red. Colby was the exact same way. Despite being a little reflux-y, Zoe consumes her meals in record time without pause. She hasn't rolled over yet, but her head is keeping her down. She's working on lifting its contents but it's hard when it's so large. She's always smiling and cooing. She's only now starting to like the Moby, but only when she can have her legs sticking out. She can sleep just as well swaddled as she can completely sprawled out.

And Colby continues to be the best big brother. He's learning so much lately it's mind boggling. He knows most of his colors but often calls orange yellow and purple pink. He knows basic shapes and some of the letters in his name- as well as a few random ones. He loves to cook with me. He's a total clown and loves to fake fall to get a laugh. He learned how to open the front door to let himself out. (uh oh!) He loves to jump in puddles and play with the "kids" around the complex. He loves trains, trucks, cars, wheels... he's a total boy. He loves his sisters and gives them hugs and kisses all the time. he loves when the girls do tummy time & will grab the basket of baby toys and dump it out so he can show the girls the toys. He's still a bit picky, but recently began eating small amounts of chicken. He ate a scallop at my mom's birthday dinner. Veggies are still pretty non-existant despite how much he loved them back in the day, but fruit is still a 100% hit, so I'm thankful for that. He loves his mama like no one else. He's just incredible.

As soon as Colby was 6 weeks old I was ready to try for baby #3. I'm not there yet this time. :) I'm loving every single second with these girls, but I often feel so guilty that they're not getting the quality time that Colby got- or that Colby's not getting the time like he used to. So I'm enjoying spending as much time cuddling and kissing these little ones- all three of them. I know I'll be back on the baby train soon, but for now I'm content waiting. And so is Johnny... the other day I wasn't feeling well. He went upstairs to take a shower and I took my temp and realized I was running a fever- which explained why I wasn't feeling so hot. When he came down I said "I know why I'm not feeling well." and he immediately got a TERRIFIED look on his face and said "You're pregnant!" It was quite funny... :)

Somehow I'm still dropping weight... kind of at an alarming pace. It's weird, I still have the pizza dough-y belly that I'm sure I'll never lose (or at least not for a long time), but my clothes are literally falling off of me & every day I step on the scale it's down by another bit. At first I thought it was the scale that was wrong, but Colby's weight is staying constant, so I'm guessing it's right. I'm not really complaining... but it's just weird. The same thing did NOT happen when I had the boys...but I also had time to eat much crappier and to generally be sluggish before Colby came home. Now... the only time I get to myself is during my late night pumping sessions. Every other minute of the day is consumed by babies, pumping, cooking, playing, laundry, dishes, bottles... you get the gist.

Oh well, if you read this far, congrats. :) A few other people are opening themselves up for questions, so, if anyone still reads this (I know, I've gotten REALLY boring lately! And bad at commenting...) and has any questions about anything, ask away. :)

And the needles continue...

2011-08-25T00:48:00.000-04:00

I don't know if I ever mentioned that in the beginning of August I met with hematology to discuss my clot & the next steps? Anyways, I did & at that appointment the doctor casually mentioned that there were reasons why radiology had been pretty worried about the clot back in May.

Reason 1 was that the clot was pretty large & had started to expand or something in the vein. (Obviously I listened really well) The ovarian vein thrombosis (clot) was a complication of pregnancy not seen often (as in once every few years in the hospital) & the size of my clot was especially unusual.

Reason 2 that they had been worried was something about how swollen the whole area was. It was at my hematology appointment that my doctor casually mentioned the possibility of there actually being a tumor. (Yeah- not cool. I couldn't believe they hadn't mentioned that possibility to me back in May. But then again, I was so ready to get out of the hospital (I had definitely gone from "model-super-easy-patient-we-all-love" to "uh-oh-patient-zilla") that they probably didn't want to provoke me. :))

However, they assured me that everything was probably fine & that the clot should be completely gone by that point as I had been on blood thinner injections 2 times a day.

I went for my MRI yesterday to make sure that the clot was no more and the area was A-okay. The results- no tumor. Yay. I guess the swelling went down and the area was looking more normal, but despite 3 months of injections, the clot persists. It has shrunk, but it's still there. So instead I continue with the injections for a few more weeks until my prescription runs out & then I go back in November again to meet with Hematology and schedule another MRI.

And I was so ready to live a needle-less life for awhile.

A day in the life...

2011-08-24T00:56:00.001-04:00

I was reading a schedule recently by another twin mom and thought it would be interesting to sketch our daily schedule, but then I realized that we're not really there yet... ha. We do have some regular parts of the day, but so much of it is just following everyone's lead... but let's see...

5am- Usually Sydney starts stirring, so I grab her before she shrieks for a diaper change and reswaddle. She hangs on the Boppy while I grab Zoe and change and reswaddle her too. Both girls nurse for anywhere between 10 and 30 minutes. Then they both go back on the Boppies (I do all this on the floor at the foot of our bed) and I hook up to the pump for 20-30 minutes. Midpump I'll stop and put about an ounce into a bottle and try to top off the girls. Sometimes they take it, usually they don't.

6/6:30am-ish- Back to bed for a few.

7am-ish- Girls start stirring again and it's all over. They usually do a quick nurse again & I may pump depending on Colby. Then we play until Colby wakes.

8am- Colby wakes up asking for "awfuls". Head downstairs with him, set him up with breakfast or toys. Back upstairs for the girls, one at a time in their Rock & Plays. Back upstairs for pump, dirty bottles, cooler of milk, & changes of clothes for everyone.

8:20am-After breakfast we play, play, play...

9am-10:30 I nurse the girls again & pump again for 20 minutes. Girls usually go down again... Sydney sleeps better in the AM so she'll usually take a solid nap. Colby's still playing.

10:30/11am- Girls start to wake & they play & we all play. On a good day we get outside in the AM for the water table or pool. On a REALLY good day we get outside for some sort of errand.

11am- Girls change, nurse, pump...

12pm- Calliou while I get lunch ready. Girls are usually awake & smiley. Colby eats & plays some more.

1:30pm-3:30pm Colby goes down for a nap. Girls get changed again, nurse, pump & hopefully the girls both nap again. Usually they both nap pretty well during this time.

3:30pm- Up unless Colby went down later. Usually play outside.

4:30- Change, nurse, pump. Every other week Johnny's home around now and he plays with Colby. The opposite weeks he's home at 5

5pm- On a good day I start getting dinner figured out and started. Colby usually eats around 5:30/6pm. Otherwise it's all playing. The girls may nap or may not depending on what we're doing and who's entertaining them.

6:30pm- With Johnny home I sneak in an extra pump session

7:30-8pm or so- Change, nurse, pump again. Girls go down for sleeeep in their Rock & Plays downstairs still.

8:15pm-9pm- Colby up for bath/shower, books, bed

9pm Come down and pump

9:20-10:30pm: Get things ready/wash bottles/load up cooler/start moving everything upstairs for hte night. We eat if we didn't already eat.

10:30-11pm- Last change, bottle with vitamin, and girls upstairs for bed. Usually around now Colby's waking up for Mama's bed.

1:30am2:30/3am- Gooood morning Sydney & Zoe. Up again to change, nurse, pump...

That's kind of what it looks like. There are lots of days where feeds end up every 2 or so hours. These girls know that it's healthier to eat smaller amounts more frequently, so they stick to that. They usually take about 70-80ml instead of more, so they're eating every 2-3 hours. I think one time we got 4 hours out of them.

I don't always have time to pump after nursing... I try to every time, but sometimes Colby really needs my attention or the girls won't settle. After every feed I usually try to top them off... sometimes they take it sometimes they don't. They're growing & healthy so I'm not stressing about it too much.

OH, look at that... Colby's awake. :)

This was already wrong today... so far it's been a 11:30/1:30/4 kind of morning...

Questions part... 3?

2011-08-21T10:09:00.000-04:00

The girls are three months old on Thursday, so I feel like I should already have this whole nursing thing figured out, but I so do not.

I typically nurse the girls at every feeding except for their 10/11pm feeding. (Though there are times that they decide they need just a little more and I'm already pumping, so a bottle it is!) They get a multi-vitamin so I put it in that bottle & this also makes sure that they get a full feeding and go to bed full. (And I get 3 hours of sleep because OH MY GOD they're still not sleeping more than 3 hours at a time!)

Both girls are still using shields. Do they need them? I don't know! But the last thing I want to do at 2am or 5am is prolong the feeding by testing them off the shield and then putting it back on and on and on. And during the day I do try them off sometimes and sometimes it works great and other times they flail around like a fish out of water. So that's my first question How do I get them both off the shields because I am SO SICK of those stupid things?!

Zoe is good about nursing and it calms her down and she finds it comforting I think. She usually takes full feeds- especially at night. After every feed I still try to "top them off" and she's been refusing any sort of bottler afterwards so I take that as a good sign. Sydney on the other hand... she's so touch and go. She is almost impossible to nurse unless she's swaddled because she's going a mile a minute with her hands. She screams like a banshee if she's even the least bit hungry, so it's a trick feeding Zoe and calming Sydney simultaneously. Once she's eventually calmed I have a hard time getting her to latch. She won't open her mouth very wide like Zoe still does. So that's the second question How do I get Sydney to latch better so she's not falling off and retrying every two seconds? She had a good latch before, but since she has become Miss Drama Queen 2.0 she's starting to lose it. I want it back!

In addition to all the nursing sessions, I pump at least 8-9 times a day still, never going more than 3 hours (unless we're out and about for longer, then never going more than 5 hours). I know I don't so much need to worry about time simply because the girls are nursing and obviously getting what they need, but I'm trying to build a stockpile for back to work. At this point we need a new freezer... but my third question At three months, how many times are most people pumping? I know I'm kind of at overkill, but I have no idea what I should be striving for...

A few updates

2011-08-15T14:50:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since a real update... time is limited. :)

Colby

Despite this weekend's excitement Colby's doing great. This fever/sickness/seizure was really the first time he has been really sick since he was released from the NICU. He's had a few low fevers here and there mostly associated with teething and he's had a few colds and croup one time, but nothing that ever amounted to anything serious. Basically he's beaten all the odds of being a 27 weeker. (And it never gets old to hear everyone say that!)

Speaking of beating the odds... shortly after his birthday he was reassessed with Infant Followup at Children's Hospital. Infant Followup follows preemies for 3 years to see how they're developing. Last year he went and was scored as being behind in language and pretty much on-par with corrected age (3 months late) for everything else. This time he went with Johnny and scored just under 3 years old for receptive and expressive language (he doesn't stop talking so I'm not surprised) and above 2 years in fine motor, gross motor, cognitive, social, emotional. He did so well that he "graduated" early from IF and doesn't need to be seen next year. I can't tell you how much it helps me to know that he's doing so well. I still have a lot of guilt associated with the boys early birth so it's nice to be clearing some hurdles. I know we still have quite a few to pass because extreme preemies have increased chances of developing ADD and other learning disabilities, but for now we're looking good.

When he talks, he's all about the verbs and I find it so cute. "I walkin" and "I runnin" and "I climbin" He uses complete sentences and will tell you super elaborate stories. When he tells stories he talks with his hands and gets so into them. I often only catch a few words or sentences from his stories, but he clearly knows what he is saying. He knows colors, can count to 10, knows most of the ABCs, can point out a few letters in his name, loves to read books... He still loves Toy Story. He's a total boys boy with trucks and balls, but he also loves shoes. He's currently napping with his Crocs on. He's a water baby and loves to splash and jump and generally get soaked.

He's absolutely amazing. He loves his mama and dada and babies. He's at an age that we can teach him silly things so Johnny taught him to fist pump and I taught him to "put people to sleep" by waving his hand and saying "go to sleep". Then he'll wake you up by yelling "wake up!". He gets into it and lets you put him to sleep too. He also knows how to make people laugh and if you laugh, he'll keep doing whatever it was that made you laugh. My brothers & Johnny taught him to say "precious" like in Lord of the Rings (I've never watched it so I'm trusting them here) and when he would say it everyone would crack up, so he'd say it over and over and over. He also started pushing a button on a magnet at my parents house & when it would beep he would make himself fall. We found it hilarious so he would do it over and over. He's going to be a clown.

We "started" potty training. He got a Toy Story potty for his birthday. He used it 1 time shortly after his birthday and has had no interest since. We're not pushing it at all and just going with the flow. When he gets it, he gets it. I'm in no rush to make this little guy grow up!

At his 2 year appointment he weighed in at just under 26lbs, measured about 34 inches, and had a head circumference in the 80+ percentile. He's finally big enough to be front-facing, but we're keeping him rear-facing in his car seat for as long as possible (he can be 40 inches in his car seat). We're always on the highway, so I just feel safer having him rear-facing as long as he can be. It's a bit of a pain to get all 3 in the car because of the way his carseat sticks out, but for now it's how we feel safest. :)

He loves fruits, "mac-a-monie", sweets, bread, milk & yogurt. Veggies are tough and meats are very touch-and-go. Eating is a constant struggle. Sleeping is getting better. He goes down for naps on his own pretty easily. Bedtime is getting better too... he falls asleep on his own in his Big Boy Bed. He usually wakes up a few times and easily goes back to bed. Around the 3rd time or so he asks for Mama's bed. I'm going to be more than a little sad when he doesn't want to be in our bed anymore.

He loves his sisters. He'll try to climb into their beds to give them hugs and kisses. Before bed he kisses daddy and then his sisters. He knows the babies only drink milk and can't have anything else. He loves when I put them on the ground for tummy time and sometimes orders me to put them down for tummy time. He'll grab the bins of baby toys and dump them out to share with the girls. He loves to hold the girls, but if they start crying when he's holding them he'll push them away. Sometimes if I'm holding a girl and he wants to be held he'll point to their bed and say "Mama, baby down." He's the best big brother and I'm so excited to see them all grow up together.

The Girls

The girls are growing up so fast I can't stand it. They're both over 9lbs now and in size 1 diapers and 0-3 month clothing.

Zoe looks more like Johnny and is growing dark hair. Her eyes are still dark blue and beautiful. She's super nosey and spends her time looking around. Her nosiness has made her neck super strong though. She already sits in the Bumbo without a problem. Tummy time she gets her belly off the floor already and looks around propped up by her arms. She's a little harder to get to nap and she's more sensitive to Colby's noise and wakes up easier. Before she cries she sticks out her lip just like Colby does and you know it's coming, but she's pretty easily soothed. She loves her pacifier and it works wonders. She doesn't like a dirty diaper, but she'll just whimper until you change it. She's loves to cuddle when she's tired and will mold to you, but when she's awake she'll bob all around and push off with her feet.

Sydney looks more like Colby & I. She has lighter hair and her eyes are still dark blue as well. Her nose is more pointed and her ears are more folded. She's nosey too, but is also content just laying with you when she's awake. She's not as thrilled with tummy time and she sleeps more, so her neck isn't ask strong yet. She'll lay on her belly and cry during tummy time instead of trying to push up. She's better at falling asleep and staying asleep. However, when she wants something she'll let you know by shrieking until she gets it. Nothing will soothe her until she gets what she wants. She can't stand a dirty diaper and will not do anything until it gets changed- you can't content her with food, a pacifier, or cuddles if her diaper is dirty. If she has to burp she will scream as well. Once it comes out she's so happy though.

Both girls are smiling and cooing like crazy and it's melting my heart. A few tickles and they're all grins. I love the little sounds I hear from the backseat as they're cooing to themselves. I can't believe it has already been so long that they've been here.

Work

My district has been amazing throughout both pregnancies. With the boys they worked with me to take my leave when Colby was discharged from the NICU. If they hadn't I would have spent over 2 months of leave sitting in a hospital room. It worked out great that I was home for 5 solid months with him. Of course I wanted more but I'm so grateful for the time I had.

With the girls, they have been just as awesome. I was on Sick Leave from March to the end of the year- fully paid with benefits. Now I've been out for the summer and come September I have another 12+ weeks to be out with the girls, so I'll be back to school probably some time in December. It will make the year tricky, but I'm so glad I have the time with the kiddos.

I'm switching to first grade this year so I have lots of the same kids which is great (for the most part...). I'm anxious to get my room set up so things are the way I like it despite not being there for the whole beginning of the year. It's an exciting change.

Zoe's waking up- the other 2 are still napping, so I'll end this here.

Happy Anniversary?

2011-08-13T22:09:00.004-04:00

Yesterday marked my & Johnny's 5 year anniversary.

5 years ago on a beautiful sunny day we said I Do in the sunshine in front of our friends and family. It was the most perfect day and night.

4 years ago we headed to a small B&B in New Hampshire to eat our year-old cake and explore the area.

3 years ago we were in Virginia for my cousin's wedding and enjoyed our anniversary exploring DC.

2 years ago we sat in a small NICU room watching over a baby hooked up to a CPAP hoping and praying for his body to heal and come home with us.

1 year ago we took a night away from the above baby- Colby of course- to relax and rushed home as soon as we could the next AM.

This year we didn't plan anything. I said over and over I didn't want to leave the kiddos so I wanted to stay home... only I really planned a whole day/evening for us with babysitters lined up as a surprise. In the afternoon Grandma headed over so we could mini-golf (a throwback to year ago) and grab a quick lunch. After we packed up the kiddos and headed down to Grammy & Grampy's. We got all 3 settled and said goodbye. Colby was excited to play with Uncle Matt, my brother who is leaving for Texas for a year on Wednesday for his Masters. My parents also had plans to bring all 3 to the town fair later in the evening.

We headed to a hotel in Providence where we got ready and headed to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. After a quick wait we ordered and contemplated the rest of the evening. We settled on an 8:50 showing of The Change Up. Soon after around 8pm our dinner arrived and we started eating our food.

Two bites in "Grammy's Cell" popped up on Johnny's phone because I had left mine in the room. We missed answering it so I quickly called back commenting "They better be calling to say goodnight!" My parents have never once called while babysitting...

Quickly my dad answers and I think I hear "Colby had a fever." Thinking it was kind of silly for him to call for that, I ask what he's talking about and he repeats what he said--- only I hear it correctly-- "Colby had a seizure." He quickly explains that Colby was in the First Aid tent receiving oxygen and that they were waiting on the ambulance to transport him to the Children's Hospital. Luckily Johnny and I were in the city and only minutes from the hospital- we quickly paid the check, ran to our room to get his insurance card, and then raced to the hospital. I was nervous-- I was pretty sure we would learn it was a seizure caused by the fever spike, but I until I heard from my mom that he was alert I couldn't help but think that he wouldn't come to, or he would stop breathing and complications of his prematurity would come up. However, once my mom called and let me know he was alert and responsive I was fine- scared for Colby, but I knew (or at least was pretty sure) that he was going to be okay. Johnny on the other hand had never heard of febrile seizures and he was completely panicked.

When we made it to the OR my poor baby was screaming and terrified. By then my mom had made it (she was in ambulance with him) and my brother Chris & his fiance were there. My dad and brother Matt were following with the girls adn my brother Jeff and his wife were on their way. All Colby wanted was Mama so I stripped him down and tried to console him but he was understandably miserable and scared to death. They had tried to start an IV in the ambulance but they couldn't get it in, he had been strapped to an unknown carseat, they hadn't let my mom sit next ot him in the ambulance because she had to be belted... basically I would have been terrified if I were him too.

Eventually they gave him tylenol to get the fever down (I have NEVER felt anyone so hot in my entire life) and we calmed him down with the help of an iPhone and Calliou. We saw a nurse, a resident, and the attending who all assured us that he would be fine (though it took a lot of convincing for Johnny). We were sent on our way shortly after midnight. My parents took the girls as planned, but we weren't letting the Bug out of our sight, so we made a trip to a 24 hour CVS for snacks and tylenol and our Anniversary getaway turned into a sleepover party with Colby.

Over 24 hours later his fever is still rearing its ugly head and I'm just hoping that we have seen the last of the seizures for life. He's definitely fighting some sort of GI bug, but when his fever is down he's up to his old antics. He's a tough cookie!

I feel the worst for my poor parents and my brother Matt. My mom was holding Colby at the time-- they noticed he was feeling warm so they were on their way to leave the fair to get him tylenol when he asked for one more ride on the Choo-Choo. As they were getting ready to get on the ride he started seizing so I am so glad she was holding him so he couldn't get hurt. She immediately raced to my brother and Dad and called 911. They found the med-tent where Paramedics administered the oxygen and made sure he was okay. Matt immediatley called my brothers Chris and Jeff to let them know that Colby had had the seizure.

In the end it all reminded me a little more just how ridiculously loved this little boy is. My brothers rushed to the hospital and everyone stayed for hours even though they were just stuck in the waiting room. They all helped with the girls when Johnny & I couldn't. Today Chris & Stephie brought Colby donuts, Jeff & Nikki helped watch the girls so I could take cake of Colby, and Matt bought Colby bubbles and a truck to make him feel better.

So in the end, Colby's okay. I know it's totally normal and he'll be okay even if he has another, but he's already been through enough in his short life... I wish he didn't have to deal with this (though I guess he won't remember... only we will). And we're hoping and praying the girls don't get his bug and that they escape toddlerhood without ever having a seizure... because apparentlly there is a genetic predisposition. Great. :(

Suffice to say... Anniversary wasn't so romatic, but our bug is okay and that's all that matters.

When we

Forever isn't enough...

2011-07-30T10:25:00.002-04:00

I don't type much, so my mind is like a runaway train... feel free to skip. :)

I'm a stay-at-home-mom by summer and a working-mom by school year. It's something I knew would be a reality when we started having kids. We had two choices back in 2006 when we decided to start trying- we could wait a long time to make sure I could exclusively stay home, or we could get pregnant and know I would have to work. I wasn't willing to wait, so we took the dive and 2.5 years later welcomed the boys.

Admittedly I always hoped something magical would change and I could stay home... we'd win the lottery or get a free house or Johnny would realize that cable & Red Sox tickets & health insurance & well, food, were luxuries we could live with out. (That didn't happen, babies like to eat & we love True Blood)

So, 6 weeks after the boys were born, I went back to teaching my 3rd year of K & two months later I headed home for 5 months of leave with Colby. 2 months after returning back to work I was at home again on Summer vacation & then a half a year after the start of my 4th year I was put on bedrest and rode out 12 weeks at home (again). And now it's summer & I'm back to taking on the "at home" role. Basically I'm my school district's worst nightmare.

Anyways, I waiver between how I feel about my roles. First, I'll complain that SAHM's call themselves "Full Time Mothers" as if those of us who work aren't Full Time Moms. But I digress (and I totally tried to find Blair's post on this, but I can't & I'm a little lazy).

Anyways, on a good day I'm okay to be working & taking care of the kiddos. My mom worked and I always admired her for it. We were technically latch-key kids, but I didn't feel neglected because of it. Both my parents were there 100% for everything- baseball, soccer, dance, gymnastics (because, yes, they still managed to find the time to let all 4 of us do whatever activities we wanted although they both worked full time jobs themselves). Because of that, and because of how I felt about my mom, I'm sometimes proud of what I'm doing. In the end I'd like to think that Colby, Sydney & Zoe will admire me for everything I'm doing on my quest to be Super Mom. When I was working I managed to work, take 3 grad classes, get dinner on the table (most nights), give Colby his bath, tuck him into bed with stories, and still be somewhat functioning. (And usually our floors were swept a few times a week) Oh, and I was pregnant with twins at the time. And there's the fact that I really love teaching.

Other days I'm so overwhelmed with jealousy that I can't stay home when all I want is to be with my kids. Instead it seems a little off that I'm at school with 25 other kids while mine are being cared for by a nanny, or day care provider, or even grandparents. I feel like it should be me. Are they any worse for the wear? Probably not, but I still have pangs of jealousy that I'm not there. I wish I were one of the moms who worked that is completely at peace with her decision (or need) to work, but I'm not quite there yet...

So the point of all this? I am getting a little tired of the line "You're with them all day." when I try to object to being told that I should leave the girls for a night with someone else or that I should send Colby to his grandparents for the day. Yes, I understand that it's good for the kiddos to see their grandparents, but I don't think that seeing them for a whole day or weekend at the expense of not being with me is really worth it. (Or rather, it's not worth it to me, but maybe someone can prove it is developmentally worth it.)

No matter if I'm with these kids forever, every day until the end of time, forever isn't enough.

Quick Updates

2011-07-25T04:26:00.006-04:00

A spare moment! It's 4:30AM and I'm pumping. Typically I'm also topping off a baby right now, but the both fell asleep nursing so here I am. (I'll regret this later when they wake up in an hour though.) What's been going on...?

Less than 10 minutes in the girls started waking for the rest of their feed... I guess that's better than being up in an hour.... And now it's actually the next night and I'm still working on this...

Two years old...

Colby loves HAPPY BIRTHDAY and was thrilled that it was being sung to him.

The boys second birthday came and went on Tuesday. I spent the AM at the doctors with the girls getting Zoe's hips ultrasound-ed. She was transverse/breech so it was a precautionary thing- she looks great. :) Colby headed into Boston with Johnny to go to the Children's Museum and loved it.

I was sad I missed his first time there, but I've had to realize that I can't be there for all his "firsts"- especially with having the girls and that if I tried to hold him back until I could go then that would be unfair to him. So, I've been missing out on a lot lately (Children's Museum, parade, fireworks, day at the beach) but I'm trying to be okay with it. (I'm not really).

Afterwards we had a lowkey day and celebrated it will Connor's cake. The past two years for Colby's party I've made a little Connor cake it a loaf-pan and we've eaten it on their actual birthday. It's become a nice little tradition. This year we couldn't release balloons exactly at 11:56am. It made me sad, but I was in the ultrasound at the time...

Anyways, two-year-old Colby? SUPER fun. (As was one-year-old Colby) Colby is a talker and will tell you the most elaborate stories. He talks with his hands and I can't help but laugh at the expression he puts into his stories. He talks in his sleep which cracks me up and melts my heart. If he has something important to tell you, he'll grab your face between his hands and make sure he has your undivided attention. He loves his sisters like crazy, but their crying clearly annoys him sometimes. He knows the babies only drink molk and they can't have any big people food. The loves to tickle them and when they "tickle him with their toes". He's become a little afraid of the dark. He's a total water baby and loves the pool, the water table, and puddles. Playing in the rain gives him the greatest thrill. He's a total boy's boy and loves trucks, trains, mud, dirt, and balls, but he can appreciate a good pair of shoes. He's still totally in love with his Mama and attached at my hip- perhaps more so because of the girls. He's the best. :)

Two years ago...

Colby and Connor's cake.

The 21st brought two years since Connor died. It sucked. I guess I never prepared myself for the face that 1 year out might not be the worst. Last year I expected the 21st to be awful and it was. This year I thought it would be sad, but I thought I had come far enough that I would be more "okay". Not okay but... that it wouldn't hurt as much. It was awful times a lot. I think not bracing myself for the awfulness of the day made it even more awful than it should have been. I blame Colby... he's so amazing and smart and cute and loveable that he just makes me wonder even more what it would have been like to have his brother around. And he deserves to have his brother around and... well, it just sucks.

Funny... 2 years ago as we sat in the boys NICU room with our family I remember holding Connor in my arms not ready to let go. I was sitting next to my dad and all I could say was "It just sucks." It hurt so bad and I was dying inside, but really there were no words to describe it than "It just sucks". To this day that's the only way to sum it up.

Two months old

Today the girls turned two months old. I can't believe how fast they're growing up. They're so alert and they hold their heads so well and they're so darn cute it kills me. They're not skinny little newborns, they're plump and rolly and chubby and adorable. Both girls are just over 8lbs now. They're still in newborn diapers and clothes but they're about ready to pop out of both. (But holy cow they have a lot of newborn clothes! I don't think they've worn them all yet.)

Our days a busy and some days it feels impossible to take a breath. I can tell by 8am what kind of day it will be. If I can catch the girls in the AM before they start tandem screaming and I can get one girl changed, fed, and happy before the other wakes then we're golden. If I don't catch them early enough (by giving in to my desire for 10 more minutes of sleep) we're in trouble. The whole day seems to be chaotic and they seem to be off their "routine". (We don't have a routine, but they're really good about eat/play/nap/repeat most days)

Sydney's a screamer if she isn't attended to quickly, but once she's fed and changed she's content just to watch the world. She's shorter and leaner than her sister with a pointed nose, pale skin, and huge eyes. She's a good napper and sleeps well at night between feeds.

Sydney being a pretty princess.

Zoe's more easily calmed while she's waiting her turn to eat or be changed. She also loves to watch the world, but only if she's doing it from the comfort of someone's arms. She's heavier than Sydney, though not by much. Her nose is wider, she has more olive skin, and huge eyes. She can nap well, but prefers to be held. She's stay awake for hours if it means she can hang out with you and smile.

Zoe.

They both have BIG beautiful eyes. They're a dark blue now... but we'll see what happens!

Nursing

Things were going so well in the world of nursing. The girls hadn't had formula in probably a few weeks and I had started to develop quite a store of milk in the freezer as well. I'd nurse every feed expect for the 10/11pm feed so we could give vitamins. I still pump 8-10 times a day so in addition to whatever they were getting directly I was pumping an additional 1,000 or so ml a day. Some would be used to top off the girls, but most was frozen.

Thursday night came and I knew that I was on my way for an infection and come Friday morning I was in a ton of pain, running a fever of over 102, vomiting, and just miserable. (Yeah, taking care of 3 kids while feeling so sick is doable, but not fun!) I immediately called my OB and got antibiotics going. Unfortunately my supply took a pretty immediate hit. I'm still pumping quite a bit, but it's definitely lower than it was and the girls are now taking 3oz every feeding instead of just over 2oz, so it adds up over time. I've already had to dip into my frozen milk which bothers me a bit... but I'm still pumping as often as I can and I'm going to start taking the Fenugreek tabs once I finally get out to get them. Formula definitely isn't the end of the world for me (look how awesome Colby turned out, and I stopped pumping for him at 4 months) but I was hoping to keep up breast milk exclusively kind of just to see if I could do it... well, and because I know it has it's benefits (free!). So we'll see... I'm keeping it up and trying to keep spirits up. Whatever happens will happen. I've already got 2 healthy rolly polly babies... :)

That clot

BLEH I am so sick of bloodthinners I am going crazy. My belly is a stretch marked mess. What they say about carrying boys and girls differently proved true for me, so I have stretch marks everywhere from the two pregnancies. If that didn't look gross enough, add on the immense bruising from 2 months of twice daily Lovenox injections and it's just unbearable to look at. I have huge purple marks and old yellow bruises and painful lumps from injections that didn't absorb right. Ick. I go on Aug 5th to Hematology and I'm praying that I can stop the shots, but I think I'll be stuck on them until I can get a CAT scan in to make sure the clot is gone. (And I'm almost willing to stay on the Lovenox forever to avoid the scan because the barium sulfate you have to drink for the scan is so disgusting I'd rather take the shots...).

2nd Birthday

2011-07-16T19:18:00.003-04:00

Today we celebrated Colby's second birthday with a low-key family party. As you know, time is limited these days so no invites went out, we ordered the cake instead of making it, and I sent Johnny to the store with the list of things to get Colby (water table, baseball chair, potty, and Rex if you were wondering). We grilled burgers and hot dogs and our parents brought over sides. Easy.

I didn't really give the party a second thought until this AM when I set about baking a small Connor-cake like I made last year.

Then I lost it.

This year was a million times harder than last year. And it hit me like a truck.

Tuesday marks the boys' two year birthday and Thursday marks two years since Connor died.

Two years. I can't even fathom and my heart continues to break a little each time I think about it.

Johnny brought home balloons for Colby. A Buzz & Woody balloon, plus two blue balloons (the boys) and two pink balloons (the girls). Colby absolutely lit up when he saw the boons. Pure joy on his face. Imagine if I could have seen pure joy times two?

Each day I miss him more and more and each day he seems to get a little farther away from reality. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I did give birth to two live, kicking (if not healthy) babies. I carried two babies for 6 months and felt them kick and move. I felt Connor's hiccups on a daily basis as he waited to make his grand entrance into the world. He held my finger as I met him face to face and again as he slipped away.

Because it all happened so quickly- how could it have been true?

But it was. Almost two years ago I experienced the greatest joy and the worst low. That's my reality now. It's the truth to my life.

And it's not going away...

Guilty

2011-07-11T23:33:00.002-04:00

So far the hardest thing about having the twins & Colby at home isn't the lack of sleep. Or lack of time. Or lack of personal space-- Colby's still totally in our bed every night (which I feel so much better about after talking to a friend about this... I kept feeling like I had to defend it, but she made me feel more okay about it which is great because I totally love it).

Instead it's the guilt of "choosing" one kiddo over another.

When Colby came home he was never down awake just laying there (hmm... maybe a part of the sleep issue?). He didn't cry for more than a few seconds. He was toted everywhere. Obviously he was just the center of attention because he was the only child (at home).

But now having the girls? I am constantly aware of how much attention everyone is getting. Colby needs a lot because he's 2 and I don't want him to feel replaced. And then of course the girls need a lot because they're tiny and always eating. But to feed the girls so often, Colby is often playing alone. And to hang out in the pool with Colby or to race a few cars on the floor, well the girls are sometimes wide awake hanging out in their rockers alone. And of course I feel so guilty about it all. I don't want Colby to resent the girls and I don't want to risk not having the same close connection with the girls that I had/have with Colby because I can't be holding everyone every minute.

And to make things a little more difficult... while Colby is not outwardly jealous or resentful of the girls (quite the opposite-- he LOVES those girls and is so gentle!) it is clear that he needs more Mama time. I really don't think it has too much to do with the arrival of the girls, but more because of the 2+ months prior to their arrival. I know everyone assured me that bedrest and being away from him wouldn't affect him in the lease, but I don't think they were right. Colby is a smart kiddo and he knew that Mama wasn't home and when Mama was home, she couldn't do much. (He used to say that Mama was broken)

Now that I'm back to full force Colby is absolutely attached at my hip. And he gets anxious and upset with me simply moving across the room. It's the separation anxiety we had way back when multiplied by a million. Around 15/16 months he'd get upset when I left the room, but he'd get over it in a few minutes with a good distraction. Now distractions don't really work-- if I run upstairs to shower he'll cry at the gate the entire time and ignore all distractions. I'm not quite sure how to deal with it... how to calm him down to be okay with me popping out of the room for a few minutes. I guess it's a work in progress!

"Are you happy?"

2011-07-09T03:43:00.006-04:00

Wednesday I packed up Zoe and handed Sydney and Colby off to my mom to head to my 6 week check up with my OB. (Despite the reflux Zoe tends to be a little easier & less drama-queeny-- go figure)

Everything looks fine and I was given another prescription for 100 Lovenox needles. Fantastic.

I'm down 8lbs less than my pre-pregnancy weight which is great. But my belly is so weirdly stretched and saggy (gross) and tender from all of the injections (and a weird yellow/green/purple from all the bruising) that I'm not wearing normal sizes yet. Typically I don't even get dressed in the AM & stay in my pjs all day, so I guess it doesn't matter. (I'd claim that they're at least cute pjs, but then Johnny would read this and expose my lie.)

Dr. K asked about birth control. I didn't laugh in his face. In the end he settled on the fact that we could use condoms (ha, yeah right) but then again "You're probably not going to be having much sex anyways!" I love that guy. :)

At least 5 times during our 20 minute visit he asked me the same thing- "Are you happy?"

And it's a harder question to answer than it should be.

On the one hand I'm so incredibly happy that I have these 2 perfect, amazing, beautiful daughters. (Seriously, have you seen their eyes??) They're healthy and thriving. Colby is beyond incredible and the best big brother these girls could have.

But.

There's always a but.

Having these two perfect, amazing, beautiful daughters has made me realize even more just how possible it could have been to have two perfect, amazing, beautiful sons two years ago. Birth 13 weeks early didn't have to happen. Ventilators and PICC lines and death didn't have to happen. After having the boys I kind of felt that extreme prematurity was the hand that I had to be dealt. But this time I realized that that just isn't true. I could make it to 34 weeks. I could have children who could breathe and eat on their own.

I try so hard not to dwell on the past and what I can't change, but I guess I'm pretty bad at that. :) But knowing these girls and Colby doesn't make it easier to accept that Connor's gone. It doesn't make it more okay. It doesn't make it bittersweet or anything that people say. Instead, it makes it harder and less okay. There's no reason he shouldn't be here kissing the girls, cuddling in bed with me, or going shoppin'! with Daddy. But he's not here and it's hard to say 100% that I'm happy.

But I am happy. And I told Dr. K that. Because we're making the best of what we have, we're learning to accept, and we're learning to stop and really appreciate what we have. Because who knows for how long we'll have it.

And because I truly believe deep down in my heart that Connor is the reason that other things are so good. I truly believe that that little boy is keeping us save and healthy and looking out for all of us. I truly believe that he's the reason that Colby is as healthy as he is despite his rough beginning, that he's the reason the girls made it to 34 weeks, that he's the reason for everything.

Milk Questions...

2011-07-09T03:30:00.003-04:00

We're at the point that I am nursing for all feeds and then pumping after all feeds.
Occasionally I time pumping wrong and I pump right before someone needs to eat though. :) Of course I feel like all I do is feed and pump. :)
They haven't had any formula in a long time except for an emergency bottle when we visited Johnny's work on Thursday. :)
I've even managed to freeze a bunch of milk. For the past few days I've been putting about 6-12oz of milk in the freezer each night after fortifying a few "top-off" ounces. I do still tend to throw a lot out when I try to top one off and they don't want it.
During the day I'm nursing every 2-3 hours. Sydney is 2 hours on the dot usually and Zoe is a little less frequent. Sydney tends to fall alseep while nursing more prompting the more frequent feeds I think.
Both girls still use shields and get very frustrated when I try without them.
Typically it's tandem nursing which saves so much time, but occasionally Syd's off the schedule.

1. Short of buying a scale & weighing before & after each feed, how do I know the girls are getting enough?

2. How often should I still be pumping? How much should I be pumping? It's so hard not to focus on the numbers or to be jealous of people that say "I can pump 8oz in 10 minutes!" because I'm definitely NOT one of those people.

3. How long should it take before they can start taking full feeds each time?? They fall asleep or get frustrated sometimes and get hungry soon after, but I can pump 1.5-2oz each side after a feeding quite often so I know there is plenty of milk there...

Holy Piglets!

2011-07-03T08:11:00.002-04:00

At birth on May 25:

Sydney - 4bs 10oz

Zoe - 4lbs 10.8oz

At first Dr. appt on June 9:

Sydney - 4 lbs 14oz

Zoe - 4lbs 14oz

At 1 month check on June 30:

Sydney - 6lbs 6.5oz

Zoe - 6lbs 12.5oz

I'd say they're putting on weight just fine. :)

We're dealing with some reflux with the girls.

Zoe's reflux is more pronounced- as in I cannot ever lay her flat or she will spit- usually out her nose. It's not really bothering her yet - as in no crazy crying or up-all-nights - but it can't be comfortable. It started pretty sporadically. Every now and then I'd wake in the night to her coughing/gagging and choking on a spit. She'd turn purple and you could tell she was struggling to get it out or her mouth and nose. Then it became an every night thing. Then an every time I laid her down. So now we got her a new elevated rocker thing to sleep in. We're holding off meds so far, but we might be down that route very soon.

Sydney never spit in the beginning, but about a week or so ago she started with occasional spits though never out her nose. Just this AM she did this weird thing where she was on the floor next to me and she started arching like crazy, but she wasn't making any noise. I picked her up and she wouldn't stop arching but she was gurgling. She had spit too so she was silently choking on it. It's scary... I need to invest in a bulb syringe company.

Nursing Again...

2011-06-30T00:03:00.003-04:00

This afternoon I nursed just Sydney & only on one side. Typically I try to do both at once, but, well, when Zoe decides not to wake up, there is no way around it. So it was just me and Syd for awhile. Then I waited a bit for Zoe to decide if she was ready but she just slept on so I decided that I had to pump because I had held Syd only to one side waiting for Zoe.

One side pumped about 4 oz. The other- the side Syd was on- only pumped about 10ml. Typically both sides are pretty similar- always off by just a few ml. I was pretty pumped (hahaha) that it seemed that Syd had gotten so much! Now if only there were some concrete way to tell! (Short of renting a scale because I'm not willing to pay extra!)

For a few days now I haven't made any formula bottles at all (woohoo). I'm letting the girls nurse on demand so it's kind of super exhausting. I think I only got about 1 hour of sleep last night because they're not on the same schedule anymore. (I gave up the schedule idea because it seemed too rigid for their development) There are periods of the day where I feel like I'm nursing for hours (because I am!) but it's worth it. And Colby is JUST SO GOOD about it. We spend lots of time coloring and reading while I'm nursing...

Tomorrow is their one month check so I can't wait to hear their weights!

Because everyone needs a little cute...

2011-06-26T00:19:00.000-04:00

Nursing

2011-06-24T09:24:00.002-04:00

Originally I was pumping like crazy to build up my supply. I hardly ever nursed the girls because I couldn't keep track of how much was consumed or produced, so instead I just hooked up to my trusty friend. There was pride in the numbers when I was hitting higher numbers each day.

But then I realized that if I only pumped, sure I'd get high numbers, but then the girls would never learn to nurse. I'd be hooked to the pump until I decided to give up feeding them breastmilk and, well, I really hate the pump. :)

SO I started nursing more- every feed- then giving them a breastmilk bottle to top them off, and then pumping. It was going well... and today at their 9am feed I nursed them simultaneously. (It's still such a pain... I need a better pillow) BUT afterwards I offered them bottles and BOTH refused. I don't know if that means they got a full feed, but it does tell me that they got enough to satisfy them for the time being. VERY cool. (Very uncool is the two breastmilk bottles that are going to waste... :))

A few photos

2011-06-15T18:01:00.002-04:00

A few randoms while I pump... in no particular order...

Zo-ster feeling a little disgruntled with life.

Zoe again, content with her pacifier.

Sydney cuddled up.

Sydney the day she came home.

Sydney holding her pacifier.

The girls, Sydney in pink and Zoe in purple.

Sydney pre-diaper change.

3 Weeks of GIRLS!

2011-06-15T09:41:00.002-04:00

3 weeks!?

The girls are already three weeks old. How is that possible?

Today I should be 37 weeks 2 days pregnant. Instead I have amazing, perfect 3 week olds!

Like I said when I had the boys-- I miss being pregnant and feeling the kicks more than I can express. Things were a little calmer having the girls than the boys, so I had time to think about what was happening and what it meant. I remember laying on the operating table after having the spinal/epidural and feeling numbed and thinking "I've felt their last kicks from inside."

It hit me then that it was over. In minutes I would no longer be pregnant and never again pregnant with twins (please? thank you.).

But these past 3 weeks have been better with them out than they could have possibly been with them in!

Both girls have to be over 5 pounds now.
They sleep most of the day but they are just so cute when they're sleeping.
And when they're awake and taking in everything with their big beautiful eyes? My heart just melts.
Preemie clothes are too small because they're so long but newborn clothes are way too big in every other way. Still super cute.
Sydney loves to be swaddled and doesn't fight it at all.
Zoe fights with the Swaddle Me and often breaks her arms out like Houdini.
Colby loves his baby sisters and showers them with kisses. Only twice has a solid object hit one of the girls-- once was Colby's hand as he tried to hand me a shirt and once was Percy the train as it sailed over the couch. These girls will be tough. :)

Help! :)

2011-06-14T19:38:00.001-04:00

I need ideas for Father's Day! I've been trying and trying to come up with a great idea but I have no idea!

Still alive!

2011-06-12T16:32:00.004-04:00

So far life with 3 under 2 is totally manageable.

Yes, I'll eat those words in a few days I am sure.

Zoe has been home for just over a week and Sydney came home just under a week ago. They're still on a pretty awesome schedule. (One of the perks of the NICU!) They eat every 3.5-4 hours or so and take 2oz a pop. I've kept them on the same schedule for the most part. We'e had a little variance when one would fall asleep mid-feed and wake 2 hours later. Obviously instead of starving them we've fed them, but only a 1/2 feed in the hopes of getting them up 2 hours later again. In between feeds they pretty much just sleep. They both have some great awake periods during the day where they're super alert, but they're few and far between. Right now they just need to focus on growing, so they sleep and sleep. Until Colby goes to the pack n play and yells "Hi babies!!" ;)

Night is pretty easy too (again, I'm prepared to eat those words). I do night care completely alone so usually 1 wakes up right around 3-4 hours and I have an alarm set incase they don't. Which ever one wakes first gets taken care of first. I do a 1/2 feed, change the diaper & reswaddle to rewake them, and then finish the other 1/2 feed. Who ever didn't wake first gets woken up to feed immediately after. Same thing happens. Then when they're both back down, I pump and head back to bed. It usually takes about 1-1.5 hours depending on how tired we all are. Then I hop back in bed reset the alarm, and wake up at the next cries. :)

Right now I'm pumping, formula feeding, and breastfeeding. We have to fortify all their feeds to 22 calories including breastmilk so there's no chance of exclusively breastfeeding. I'm also still desperately trying to build my supply so that I can do 100% of their feeds (either through a bottle or nursing). Right now I'm pretty close-- I pump enough for at least 75% of their feeds, maybe more, but it's not quite 100%. I'd love to nurse exclusively, but right now I'm content knowing that at least most of their food is at least breastmilk even if it is pumped. (Plus, there's a sense of satisfaction when I fill bottles after pumping! :P)

Tomorrow is my first day home with all 3 alone. I'm not worried... I know I can totally handle it, but I am tired, so that's the only obstacle. If I had a full night of sleep once in the past few months I'd be peppy and ready to go, but waking every 1-2ish hours for a few months is very wearing. :)

I'll add some pictures soon. :) Probably during a 2am pumping session. (Because that's the only time I ever get any "me" time. :) Oh, and those hands-free pumping bras? The best invention EVER.)

Still hurting

2011-06-09T19:36:00.003-04:00

I don't have many memories of Connor on the outside. He lived for about 43 hours. In that time I only visited him a handful of times in the NICU. (I've said before, after he was born, I didn't even consider the chance of him or Colby dying, so I didn't even think for a second that our time was limited.) I don't know the exact number of minutes that I was actually with my little boy- but I know it wasn't much. And I regret that more than anything else in this world.

But I do have very distinct memories of his features. Unfortunately the best view I ever got of it was after he had passed away and all the tape and machines and wires were gone. But I can so clearly remember his fine lips, his dark eyes, and his small pointed nose. He had long fingers and toes that reminded me of my own "monkey toes".

Now as I feed Sydney late at night I can't help but see Connor. They look so very much alike-- more so than I see either one of them looking like Colby or Johnny or I.

I can't help but think how very different our lives would be right now had Connor lived. Who knows if we'd have our amazing girls. Who knows where we would be, what Connor would look like, or how crazy life would have turned out.

It's one of those things that nags at you... on the one hand, I want so very badly for Connor to be here with us, to make our family complete. But on the other hand, my family as I know it probably wouldn't be if Connor were alive. It's as if my heart has to make a choice to be okay without Connor to be so perfectly happy with my amazing girls. And I'm not okay without him, but at the same time I couldn't imagine life without Sydney and Zoe.

I know it's not my decision to make, but it still hurts.

We're home!

2011-06-06T21:02:00.003-04:00

So much to update on... and I have about 5 unfinished posts saved that I may never finish (and a few that don't really apply anymore).

BUT...

Zoe came home on Saturday. Sydney came home today.

They're both tiny and still under 5lbs, but they're perfect and we are thrilled!

All four of my babies are under one roof.

And on a totally unrelated note, Colby randomly started kissing the heart-box that holds Connor's ashes.

The Girls

2011-06-01T00:10:00.003-04:00

The girls are doing great in the NICU. It's SO nice to not have a lot to worry about with them...

Pictures will come when I'm back home- the upload is slow here.

Sydney

Open air crib
Full feeds by mouth
Regulating own temp
Gaining weight (4lbs 7.6oz tonight)
Fiesty if not attended to quickly
Few spells and o2 drifts

Zoe

Open air crib
Regulating own temp
Most feeds by mouth
Feeding tube used occasionally
Gaining weight a little more slowly (4lbs 7.6oz tonight)
Lots of big spits
Few spells
Supppper nosy

Big Brother, Colby

In LOVE
Super sweet
Adjusting well
Missing Mama (Mama's missing the Bug a TON!)

The one where I complain that I just want to go home...

2011-05-30T16:17:00.002-04:00

The girls are doing great.

Me? Not so much.

Starting the day after I delivered I started getting really bad chills. My nurse at the time called them "postpartum shakes" and tried to get me to use labor breathing to calm my body down. But the chills (or "shakes") kept coming back. Eventually I was running a low-grade temp. It was initially attributed to my milk coming in. But the low-grade temp spiked on Saturday night and I was immediately put on a course of antibiotics to control a potential infection and had my blood taken for tests. Nothing specific came back from any of the tests.

I took the antibiotics (through a brand-new IV- ick) all day on Sunday. The low-grade temp persisted, but I didn't spike again until Sunday night, when I spiked to 102.4. Also on Sunday I realized that when I was walking I had a lot of pain on my right side. Sitting down I feel the pain more on the side or in my back, but it's still there. So I mentioned that to my nurse on Sunday which lead to a bunch of blood cultures as well as a CAT scan of my abdomen to see what was up.

This AM I was told that the CAT scan revealed that I have a hematoma on my liver (???) but apparently that's totally unrelated and at this point sort of a nonissue. However, it was also discovered that I have a clot in the vein that leads to my right ovary which is probably causing the pain that I am feeling. The clot could be new or it could be something I've had for awhile. Either way, it has to be pretty large in order to be picked up on the CAT scan. I've had pain on my right side every since the IVF retrieval when they only took eggs from my left and left my right on its own. It could potentially be from way back then. Annnyways. As a result I've been started on a 6-week regime of twice daily Lovenox injections. I am NOT happy about that one. I'm here until the antibiotics are done. Apparently they're done 24 hours + 1 dose from my last fever spike. SO I'm desperately hoping that I do not spike again and I can go home tomorrow.

I'll update later on the girls... suffice to say they are AWESOME. I cannot wait to have them home!

NICU Day 2

2011-05-26T21:19:00.004-04:00

I am so in awe and in love with my little girls, my heart is overflowing!

I never in a million years expected 2 girls so now I'm clueless! They both doing wonderfully- no oxygen or breathing support of any kind. They both took FULL bottles today. They never even had feeding tubes in. Instead they got their fluids/fats through an IV initially and now it seems like they have gotten the hang of it!

I'm trying to pump and feed and stuff, but I'm in excruciating pain this time from the section. I really can't remember much about last time but I really don't think I was in this much pain. I'm trying to stay on top of the pain meds, but they don't really seem to be denting the pain. Oh well. :)

I've been pumping- so far 8 times today and 2 times yesterday. For my first 3 pump sessions I got 5ml, 2ml, and the .6ml. Since then? Nada. I'm not trying to get discouraged because I know my milk hasn't come in yet, but shouldn't I still be getting some colostrum each time I pump for 15-25 minutes? I'm trying to stay really well hydrated and I pump most every 2 hours on the dot. I try looking at picture of the girls, I try massage prior... I'm just at a loss. My milk really started coming in on the 5th day after the boys birth so I guess I won't really panic until we get there. :) But still, I'd like some reassurance from the milk Gods!

I did try nursing Sydney and Zoe this afternoon around 1. Zoe couldn't have cared less. She just wanted to sleep. Sydney did really well and had a good latch, but she was tired too. She did well for about 2 minutes then she kept drifting off. In between cat naps she would wake up now and again for another couple of sucks. Then back to sleep. :)

I could be upstairs now working on feeding and diapering and nursing and all that, but I'm just in so much pain and I don't have anyone to wheel me up there. (Though yes, I could ask a nurse!) I don't want them to get the wrong idea that I don't care. I'll try to make most of their feedings tomorrow. :)

The highlight of the day? Well, tied with having two healthy baby girls?

We brought Colby up to the NICU to meet "his" babies. I think he's in love too. :)

with Sydney

peeking at Zoe

Birth Day!!!

2011-05-26T00:30:00.006-04:00

Like I mentioned, I had been having pretty painful contractions- but still very irregular. I would time them at regular intervals but then in the end they would stop. The most frustrating part was that, while i felt them all the time at home, they very rarely showed up on the NST monitoring. The we had the growth scan/scare on the evening of the 24th. Afterwards, things were looking good, so while Johnny rearranged his closet (nesting? taking on my responsibilities?) I just hung around with him until about 12:30. Contractions had slowed down and I was feeling pretty good. RIght before I closed my eyes, Johnny asked "You're not going to have the babies today, are you???" I said no- and since it was already past midnight Johnny reminded him that "no babies today" meant no babies for 23.5 hours.

I laid down and pretty quickly drifted off. Johnny went to sleep around 2am. Then around 2:20am or so I woke up for no reason at all. As I was laying there I felt a popping sensation... and then I could feel the leaking. I laid there for a few minutes taking it all in and then woke Johnny. He was a wreck! Operating on just over 30 minutes of sleep, so he couldn't think clearly and he looked like a chicken with its head cut off. Finally, he was ready to go. I asked what he had done... he had TAKEN TIME to empty the dehumidifier in the basement. He also took the time to make a quick "facebook update". It was rather funny to watch him get ready!!

FInally we were on our way and got to L&D Triage around 4am. Afterwards, they took us in pretty quickly, monitored the healthy-feisty babies. I only showed a few contractions, but I don't believe that because I definitely felt some hard-core painful contractions that started in my back and wrapped to the front.

Anyways, they pushed me quickly through Triage and to the Recovery Room for L&D until my turn was up. They tried to start an IV, but it didn't work, so I had to get a good IV in and also have a blood draw. Then I met with Anesthesia and they explained the process of doing a mixed Spinal/Epidural. Then we were off. I was in the OR before 6am and they started. Johnny came in and our girls were both born...

Sydney Hope

6:20AM

May 25, 2011

4lbs 10oz

18 inches

Zoe Elizabeth

6:21AM

May 25, 2011

4lba 10.8oz

18 inches

Johnny kept up with the girls in their warmers to see how they were doing.

I was still splayed out as they began to clean up the section and to prep me for the removal of my cerclage. While the doctors were doing their things, some of the NICU nurses brought the babes to Johnny and me so I could see them. And Johnny even got to hold Sydney--- MINUTES after her birth!! Johnny already knew that we were having 2 girls... but it was a surprise to everyone else! I was SO shocked to hear they were both girls, but I am SO happy too.

Cuddle Time with Mama

Recovery went pretty well (and still is)... I wasn't in too much pain though I did get sick a few times. I'm not surprised about that even though I'm on a cocktail of various anti-nausea meds.

Around 9:30am I got wheeled up to see my BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. They already have such different personalities. Zoe is feisty and kicks and squirms constantly. Sydney seems more laidback and is always opening her eyes to take everything. She really reminds me of those first few days with Connor. Both girls are off oxygen completely. Sydney never even had it on at all. Zoe only got the cannula for a few minutes. So really, all they have is their IV lines for antibiotics (protocol) and then the heart/breathing/etc leads. It is truly amazing!

After visiting, we headed to my new room to get settled-- I drifted in and out of sleep as Johnny brought our parents up to see the babes in the NICU. Around 4 I managed to get out of bed and headed upstairs to visit my girls again. Afterwards 2 of my brothers and my brother's fiance came up to visit the girls. While they were there Johnny and I BOTH got to hold BOTH girls.

Pure heaven.

So I've been up to the NICU three times, I've pumped a few times, and I'm just generally feeling good. The girls are just so gorgeous I can't stand it!

So, that's kind of the condensed version I suppose.

Baby 3&4 Timeline

2011-05-25T22:04:00.000-04:00

Baby 3 & 4 Timeline

Jul 4: Due date
May 25: Happy Birthday, Girls!
May 19: High Risk 11
May 18: Dr. K
May 10: High Risk 10
May 9: 32 Weeks
May 7: MoD Walk
May 4: Dr. K
May 3: High Risk 9
Apr 28: Home bed rest
Apr 25: 30 Weeks
Apr 12: Cervix .8-1.2cm
Apr 11: FFN negative
Apr 11: 28 WEEKS!!!!
Apr 9: Steroid 2
Apr 8: Steroid 1
Apr 8: Admitted to BIDMC
Apr 8: Cervix 1.8cm
Apr 8: High Risk 8
Apr 6: Dr. K
Apr 5: 27w1d!!!
Mar 25: High Risk 7
Mar 21: Off Work
Mar 21: Dr. K
Mar 18: Cervix 2-2.5cm
Mar 18: High Risk 6
Mar 14: 24 weeks
Mar 11: Trip to L & D
Mar 9: 23w2d
Mar 4: High Risk 5
Feb 28: Dr. K
Feb 18: High Risk 4
Feb 2: High Risk 3
Jan 28: Dr. K
Jan 14: High Risk 2
Jan 6: Cerclage
Jan 3: Dr. K
Dec 21: Early Risk Screen
Dec 10: High Risk 1
Dec 6: 10 Weeks!
Nov 22: Dr. K
Nov 15: Twins pt. 2
Nov 15: Ultrasound!!!!
Nov 8: Beta #3: 34829
Nov 1: Beta #2 3445
Oct 25: Beta #1 730!
Oct 23: Positive test
Oct 14: 3 day transfer
Oct 13: 3 growing embryos
Oct 12: 5 zygotes
Oct 11: PIO injections start
Oct 11: 8 eggs retrieved
Oct 11: 9am retrieval
Oct 9: 9pm Pregnyl trigger
Oct 9: 22 growing follicles
Oct 9: Follicle Check (Blood & u/s)
Oct 8: Blood check
Oct 7: GonalF to 37.5IU
Oct 7: 19 growing follicles
Oct 7: Follicle Check (Blood & u/s)
Oct 6: GonalF to 75IU
Oct 5: GonalF to 112.5IU
Oct 5: 17 growing follicles
Oct 5: Follicle Check (Blood & u/s)
Oct 1: Lupron to 5IU
Oct 1: GonalF 150IU
Sept 30: Suppression Check (Blood & u/s)
Sept 26: Last BC Pill
Sept 20: Begin Lupron at 10IU
Sept 6: Begin BC Pills

arrival!

2011-05-25T13:52:00.002-04:00

Two girls!!!!

Sydney. Hope. 4lbs 10oz

Zoe Elizabeth. 4lbs 10.8oz

More later!!!!!!

Newest appointment...

2011-05-24T21:38:00.002-04:00

Another pretty uneventful appointment at the ATU-- in the end. :)

NST showed great babies and a few contractions.

Then we had the weights. Last time- 3 weeks ago- A measured 4lbs 3oz and B measured 3lbs 10oz.

Today both babies were moving and kicking like crazy. A is still breech (though he/she had been head down for a bunch of weeks before last) B is still head down and wedged really low keeping them both in and making it really difficult to walk!

Measurement of A's head/belly/femur showed a weight of 4lbs 8oz.

Measurement of B's head/belly/femur showed a weight of 4lbs 14oz.

So of course that started a little bit of worry. Those weights showed that A grew only about 5oz in 3 weeks yet B grew over a pound in those 3 weeks. So there was a lot of trying to figure out placentas and if the babies were being switched (because A was originally presenting and B was now presenting, perhaps the ultrasound techs had flipped the babies and thus the measurements were for the wrong babies?). Turns out that the babies hadn't been switched, so the 5oz growth was really a concern...

In the end, the doctor decided to remeasure Baby A because the tech had a bad angle for A. The new measurements made Baby A show an estimated weight of 4lbs 15oz. So... in the end, they decided there was no reason to worry. :) But it was a tense few minutes (or about an hour) as they sorted everything out.

So, as of today they are officially estimating...

A: 4lbs 15oz (growth of 12oz in 3 weeks)

B: 4lbs 14oz (growth of 1lb 4oz in 3 weeks)

In the meantime.....

34 weeks 1 day
my hands and feet are getting hugely puffy and swollen
weight up about 35lbs
Dr. K tomorrow
long periods of frequent (5-7 minute) Braxton Hicks contractions
more infrequent painful contractions in my back and/or front
insanely huge and numerous stretch marks
unable to get out of bed/off the couch without intense pain in my back and front
new mini-van on the way
cribs on order
completely in love with these two crazy babies!

My question... I have a pretty high pain tolerance. How can I really tell the difference between Braxton Hicks and real contractions? Braxton Hicks tend to be uncomfortable more so because they feel like they're squishing my stomach and bladder, so there is always a bit of pressure. The "real" ones I think hurt more in my back and are more crampy. But my back always hurts... so sometimes I'm not sure if it's the contraction making it hurt or if it's just "my back being my back".

So I try to pay attention to whether or not my whole belly is hardening or just the sides. The only problem with that is that sometimes my underside of my bellybutton doesn't seem completely hard (though it seems harder) even when it "hurts". But that also might be because I have gross/loose skin lower on my belly because of the difference in how I'm carrying these babes this time vs. last time, so maybe it doesn't feel as hard simply because there is squishy/loose skin? (Ewwww)

Basically, I'm still nervous I'm going to miss something! :)

With friends like these...

2011-05-21T13:11:00.005-04:00

When people aren't quite who you thought they were...

A departure from baby business. I recently received confirmation that a certain friend isn't really who I thought they were. Or a friend at all. I guess I'm not surprised... just hurt.

I've known this friend since we were in the 1st grade. We were immediately friends and stayed connected throughout elementary school and on. I'd be over her house or she'd be over my house constantly. I considered her a best friend. But looking back, there were some oddities. Often when I had friends sleepover we'd wake up the next morning and having had so much fun, I'd ask my parents if my friend could stay an extra night. After the okay from my mom and dad, my friend would call her parents. I did it all the time with friends, but I can specificially remember a few instances where this friend, N., would act all excited about sleeping over a second night... then she'd go to call her mom, ask for privacy in my bedroom, and I would hear her telling her mom that she didn't want to be at my house anymore. In essence, lie to me then make it seem like her mom or dad said no. It was odd... but I never really questioned it. But really, it set the tone for a lot of our friendship.

We moved on to middle school... passed notes, told jokes, and I thought had a good time. Then in 7th grade, her parents got divorced and I think that's where pretty much everything changed. Immediately my already quiet friend became even more quiet. I don't blame her... it was a really hard divorce on her and her sister. But the more I reached out, the more I felt pushed away. We still stuck together, but things just weren't the same. It continued the same way through high school and I eventually branched away simply because she didn't seem to want to be friends. We moved on to graduate, me going to school in Boston her going to school in Western MA. And of course we promised to stay friends, to stay in touch... you know, friends forever.

That summer before college I knew she was second guessing her decision to move away, so I made her a "College Survival Kit" for her birthday. I had gotten the idea from my cousins who made me a similar graduation gift. I put my heart into that kit. I spent a ton of time and money on everything- supplies and pictures and the explanation pieces. Basically I loved it and knew she would too. But when I gave it to her I didn't get so much as a thank you. She didn't look at it while I was around and I never heard about it ever again.

Again, we moved on. College began, we were busy but we'd chat on AIM. (Remember AIM??) She told me about school and told me she was in a relationship- but wouldn't so much as tell me the name. Again, she was shy so while I thought it was incredibly odd that she couldn't so much as tell me the name it was just another thing that I shrugged my shoulders about and moved on with.

The end of our first year at school my friend Sarah and I planned a big birthday party for ourselves and Nicole RSVPd that she'd be there. The party came and went and Nicole didn't show up. Confused, I called Nicole to make sure everything was okay. I emailed. I tried to catch her on AIM. I emailed her mom. I talked to her sister at work. The entire summer went by without a word, as far as I was concerned, Nicole fell off the face of the Earth. As a last ditch effort, I left a birthday present on the doorstep of her mom's house along with a note telling her I was searching for her. I got an email back where she explained her "issues". She explained that she was bulimic, that she was getting help, that she couldn't deal with the party, and that family issues were just overwhelming her. Again, I told her I'd be there for anything-- and I felt horrible that I didn't know what was going on with her. What kind of friend was I?

So we continued through college and kept in touch, but we had very separate lives. Every time I talked to her, something new was going on- or so I was told. One day she was in an honors program that was ending her to Paris. The next day, she didn't go to Paris because the trip was cancelled. Little things like that I didn't really know what to think.

Then in 2005 Johnny and I got engaged and planned to marry in August of 2006. Invited to the engagement party, shower, and wedding, Nicole opted out of all 3 festivities. We got a lot of "No's" for the wedding, but I didn't expect Nicole's. Most people who said no left a note on the back of the reply card-- "We're so sorry" and "Thinking of you on your day!" Nicole's was a little "x" next to "Cannot attend" and that was it. I was devastated. Heartbroken. But I moved on and enjoyed the day and the next few years.

Fast forward to 2008 or so. After a few years of wondering what I did wrong to be totally cast aside, I emailed Nicole and asked just that -- "What did I do wrong?" She proceeded to tell me that I had invited her mom to the wedding and she felt betrayed for that. As a result, she decided not to attend. I was a little shocked, but I ignored it and we tried to get past the issue. Over the next year or so I told her what was going on with us and getting pregnant and life in general. She finally let me know a little about her life and her relationship. It was strained, but for some reason I still felt like we needed to "make it work". We met up a few times while I was pregnant with the boys and she seemed excited.

Then I went on bedrest and had the boys. I got an email saying "You're a Mommy!" Then two days later Connor died and I heard nothing else. Not.a.word. She was absent at the funeral and you know what? I was still surprised. STILL.

And again, I just let it go. We'd send messages back and forth on facebook and I never mentioned the funeral (my fault, I know). She let me know that she was getting married herself, but it would be a small family affair. Meaning- I wouldn't be invited. But I kind of expected to be told? And I ended up finding out on facebook just like everyone else. And then she said she was having a big celebration for friends this past fall to celebrate the wedding. And again, the day came and went without a word.

And it just kept piling up. I went through IVF again, I got pregnant, I ended up in the hospital, heck I was having two kids. And not a word, so I went searching while I was in the hospital. And found that she had de-friended me on facebook. (I feel like such a middle schooler whining about that.) She had de-friended me, but we still had 64 mutual friends. You know, the people that you never talked to in high school, but still friended?? Exactly.

So, two nights ago while I was up at 2am unable to sleep, I wrote a message to her. It was long and it detailed everything-- from the party to the wedding to the boys to Connor's death to her wedding to now.

And this is what I got.

" It seems that every six to eight months I receive a venomous, accusatory email telling me what an awful person I am. Hopefully, the latest one you sent will be the last. You obviously have a lot of anger that you haven't dealt with, and I hope that someday you will get the help you need. "

My breath caught in my throat as I read it. Not only because I have never written a venomous or accusatory message to her. But because she's definitely right. I have A LOT of anger. And yes I have anger toward her. I thought I was trying to deal with it by talking to her, but evidently she thinks I have a lot to do. And had finally completely written me off.

Oh well, so long winded, but I'm glad I finally vented. :)

Sleep, atrophy, oh my!

2011-05-20T00:44:00.004-04:00

The ATU was nice and uneventful again...

The Biophysical Profile yielded perfect babies. (10's!) They were moving and practicing breathing with perfect fluid. (We are so lucky)

The NST also showed active (understatement!) babies with accelerations and decelerations as wanted. A few contractions, but nothing unusual.

So we are off for another week. :) Weights next week. :)

~~~~~~~

But I have come (not really recently) to a new discomfort of pregnancy that I didn't know last time! (Or rather, two)

1. SLEEP. OH MY GOODNESS I CAN'T SLEEP ANYMORE. This really started in the hospital when nothing was comfortable. And has so continued and gotten so much worse. At 27/28/29/30 weeks in the hospital sleep would just take a little while longer. The bed had to be angled just so, I had to be on my certain side (I rebelled and slept on my right just as often as my left!), the room had to be a certain temp, my blanket had to be just so. Yes, I was neurotic, but I could usually get 6 or so hours as night plus a decent afternoon nap.

Then I came home. I can't sleep. Period. We have a clock that projects on the ceiling and I stare at it ALL NIGHT LONG. I get to know that I am up for the bathroom at least 2x an hour. Colby always wakes up between 1:30 and 3. The minutes tick by oh so slowly. I feel like I've been there forever, but it's only been 13 minutes. You know the feeling. I'm usually in so much pain by morning. My hips, my back, my legs... you name it. They should be rested from LAYING DOWN but really, I do that all day, so why would that be restful?

Usually, after Johnny and Colby are up and gone for the day I can spread out over the whole bed, prop an assortment of pillows and get a few more solid hours of sleep. But I'm afraid those days are over because instead I spent from about 5am to 7am (when I gave up this AM) counting intense contractions that never amounted to anything.

2. HOLY BED REST MUSCLE LOSS. I never had the problem last time. I guess 3 weeks of bed rest wasn't enough to truly let my muscles atrophy? But the 6+ weeks we're working on? Plus the 35+ pounds (vs. the less than 20 last time)? It's all coming together nicely to make my muscles cry out in pain with every.single.movement. Everything from my shoulders to my toes hurts. Occasionally I can get into an awesome position and be super comfy. But rest assured that 15 minutes later I am going to have to go to the bathroom. If I try to fight the bathroom I start contracting painfully. So I can't ignore it. Then I huff, puff, groan, and moan as I alter my body to sit up and then stand and then walk. It's quite ridiculous and a sight to see. :)

I constantly tell Johnny that I don't get how moms of 3 or 4 or more do it. :) I really think it would be easier without bed rest because I think a lot of my pain is from muscle loss.

But I will keep on doing it until the very end! Because, really, I'm 3 days away from 34 weeks. That means, even if my babes ended up in the NICU, I would be able to breastfeed when they were born (well, once they were stabilized... none of this silly 7 WEEKS thing we had with Colby!). And they wouldn't (barring some horrible unforeseen circumstances) be rushed out of the room before I could see them. We could hear them cry. They would be "late premature" and none of this "micropreemie" stuff where no one is sure if they're going to live or where they are already intubated before we can even see them and days old before we can hold them.

I have stretch marks on stretch marks. I don't know what the heck my belly is going to look like after I have these babies. I can't walk or touch my toes. I live in sweats. I can't decorate the baby room (alcove). I can't sleep. I can't get my own food. I can't function on a basic level.

BUT my body is keeping my babies safe.

I won't say I ever lost faith in my body last time or with the IF issues... but I did think it was kind of lazy and needed to get in gear. :) It's doing it's job now!!!

5th Family Team

2011-05-19T13:45:00.003-04:00

This year our team ended up raising over $9,000. We are currently the 5th Family Team in MA, too!

(Last year we were 3rd in MA though we raised less money... the Boston Walk raised over $700,000 this year!!)

Connor & Colby's Crew

RICK BERN PHOTOGRAPHY

Word of the Day

2011-05-18T19:16:00.001-04:00

The word of the day at Dr. K's?

UNEVENTFUL

Perfect.

Dr. K is still amazed that we have gotten so far. 33 weeks 2 days. That's 6 weeks 1 day LONGER than the boys stayed inside! Think about what you could do in 6 weeks. Incredible.

He hasn't scheduled my C-section simply because he still thinking it will be less than 4-5 weeks so scheduling will be kind of silly. I'm okay with that... but SO THRILLED to be where we are. Still waiting for labor, ruptured water, or blood.

Contractions are still here and there, uncomfy and sometimes achey, but nothing timeable for more than a few (like every 8 minutes for only 4 contractions last night, then they went away).

I just can't get over that we are here. ATU tomorrow for ultrasound, growth check, and NST. Then back to Dr. K next week again. :)

I finally ordered! (a few)

2011-05-17T17:31:00.004-04:00

I ordered a few things! :)

I got a "sample" GroVia package that comes with the cover and a few soakers. I want to try it with Colby after they're all washed.

I also ordered a few prefolds (one big enough for Colby) and a Thirsties cover (Colby's size) .

I want to compare the All in 2's with the prefold&cover.

I also got a few other things... detergent, a rash stick thing, snappi for the prefold, a small wetbag, and an odor remover spray. Now I'm just excited to get them to see what I think. :)

One question about the GroVia, or really any 1 size diaper... do you find that they are ridiculously big for an itty bitty 10 lb-er?. I like the simplicity of having 1 size diapers for birth to potty training, but now I'm starting to worry that the sizes will be too different. Oh well!

Oh and my mom washed all the newborn boy clothes we have! :) They're so TINY!

Thread

2011-05-16T14:31:00.004-04:00

Thread.

That's it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the difference between this pregnancy and the boys. And really, it comes down to a little thread.

How crazy is that?

When I went into the hospital at 27 weeks in March, Baby A's water was pressing against the stitch. I was told then that, without the stitch I would have already had the babies. Again, I would have had 27 week babies. I'd be playing the NICU dance (hopefully) instead of laying here on the couch.

But that tiny piece of thread was keeping things closed past the stitch.

That thread has kept me pregnant for at least 6 extra weeks.

6 more weeks inside.

6 more weeks of growth.

How crazy is that? It amazes me that something so simple could have possibly kept Connor & Colby inside longer. It amazes me that something so simple IS keeping these two little ones in.

It also makes me wonder where we would be right now if I had gotten a late cerclage with the boys. Would I have stayed pregnant longer with them? Would I have two energetic toddlers running around (though 'energetic' is not a strong enough word to describe Colby!)? Would I be pregnant right now?

How different would life be with something so small?

And for now, I lay here and hope for more time! :) And relish in my new-found love of thread!

Stretch Marks, oh my!

2011-05-15T23:21:00.002-04:00

Up until about 27/28 weeks I had about 6 stretch marks.

6 or so weeks later, I can't count that high.

I didn't know that it was even possible to have so many.

Not complaining, but in a creeped-out state of awe. :)

I would post the picture I just took with my webcam, but I don't want to scare anyone!

I might have made a decision....

2011-05-15T00:59:00.002-04:00

Here's what I *think* is my decision. :)

I'm thinking of ordering a few of the Hybrid (All in 2?) diapers. (The name totally threw me off to begin with!) I'm thinking those will be what I want to use. I like the GroVia because the inserts snap in. I guess they do with a few others too, though. I do like the look of the gDiapers, but I like the idea of snaps vs. velcro. I looked at a few other kinds... but once you get down to snap covers and snap in inserts, they seem pretty similar and... really... I liked the patterns on the GroVia better. :)

Then I think I'll also order a few shells that can be used with prefolds. I'm thinking I won't use the cloth diapers until the kiddos are a little bit bigger, but maybe I can try one or two on Colby to get the hang of it?

I like the idea of One-Size for the shells/inserts/prefolds... maybe I'm just lazy? I'm thinking the inserts vs. prefolds will be less daunting for Johnny. I also like the idea of having the choice of biorefills for the Hybrids for doctors appts and long car trips. We'll see... I'm excited to get this started, though!

I'm also thinking of getting a sprayer (maybe?)... I can't decide if it's worth it or not. Then I want to get a spray bottle of smell neutralizer or something (I can't remember what it's called) Then detergent and the wet bags.

I'm thinking I'll get 2 of the wet bags so I can have one up and one down-- plus with 2 babies I'm thinking we might need the space in 2? Is there a big difference between wet bags that have draw strings and ones that zip?

I'm thinking that might be it? I'm going to try and bite the bullet and order on Monday so I can have a few things in my hand before long. I have a feeling that everything will just become so much clearer when I'm holding the diaper in my hand. :)

A few more CD questions

2011-05-14T01:02:00.004-04:00

Quick diaper question... I'm going to pretend that I know the answer and I'm just "checking" the facts. :)

If you get a "pocket" diaper with the inserts and all, do you have to wash the cover every time? I thought you didn't have to ... but now looking into more of the pocket diapers I'm thinking that you do have to.

I'm still not sure about pockets vs. prefolds simply for the fact that prefold folding seems a little daunting and ... not so "idiot proof" (I'm the idiot obviously!). I thought pockets sounded good and I could just toss the insert to be cleaned and keep using the same cover while being a little easier (but without issues of all in ones.... mildew?).

BUT I also like the interchangeability of prefolds and covers. It seems that if you go for pockets you have to use "their system" (whichever that might be) whereas you can mix and match a little more if you use prefolds and covers. (Which really, cuteness is totally a draw... especially if there is at least one girl swimming around in me!)

So I'm thinking... I will need...

- prefolds (maybe 50-60?)

- doublers or boosters or extra wetter things or whatever they're called (# ... ???)

- covers, hopefully ones size fits all so it seems more like a long-term investment (maybe 12-20?)

- snappis things (those t things...)

- wet bag (maybe 2?)

- special detergent (?? totally clueless on this)

- maybe liners?

- origami training

- the pocket cover things (like 50-60 if you have to wash them every time??)

- pocket inserts (50-60?)

- liners

- wet bag

..... as I'm typing this I figure I MUST have it wrong because it is sounding a little crazy

- 50-60 All in ones

- extra soaker, booster, wet things

- wet bags

Would you believe that I'm STILL this clueless?? I have been googling like a crazy lady! It doesn't help that I'm terribly indecisive and I can't just hop to Babies R Us to look at some of the options just to see what the heck is going on!

And bumGenius... are the regular ones AIO, but they 4.o's pockets? There's so much lingo bouncing around on so many blogs and sites I can't keep things straight...

Ramblings and 32 weeks!

2011-05-11T16:37:00.003-04:00

Let's see... things have been moving along quite uneventfully. :)

I haven't been feeling too great lately... just exhausted (no, really!?), a little dizzy, just "off". Walking is excruciating. I'm thinking it just so painful because I spend so much time OFF my feet, so any time I have to be on them is awful. I've only gained around 30 or so (maybe a few more) pounds, so I don't think it's an excessive weight thing... many people with only 1 baby gain much more!

I'm having lots of Braxton Hicks that are downright uncomfortable. Not painful, not crampy, just not comfy. They make me feel dizzy and hot and I'm not crazy about them. I try to keep count, but I haven't had more than 6 in any hour, and usually fewer, so I'm just getting through it. I'm still on the lookout for blood, painful & regular contractions, lower back pain and broken water. Until then I'm taking it day by day and loving that I know that these babies are still doing great. :)

Yesterday we had another high risk appointment at the ATU-- 32 weeks 1 day. Both babies were wiggling and practicing breathing and had heart rates of 137bpm. We still don't know what they are-- though Johnny enjoys trying to figure it out at every ultrasound appointment. :) We also had an NST and the babies looked great for the 30ish minutes.... though the nurse was a little annoyed when she couldn't get them on the monitor easily. I miss the nurses on the antepartum floor!! :) She had the toco set directly on my bellybutton so I don't think it was picking up anything at first because my bellybutton wouldn't tighten for contractions. So about 15 minutes in I realized and I moved the toco and it picked up a few minor contractions, but again, nothing painful and nothing unexpected. Back in another week.

Other than that... things have been pretty uneventful like I said. I'm thinking we should order cribs soon. I've put off doing most anything simply because I've been overly cautious about getting too excited. Now I'm pretty sure that we'll make it long enough to limit a NICU stay and that I will be taking home TWO healthy babies in just a few WEEKS.

At most it will be 6 weeks- June 20th- that the babes will arrive as my doctor won't let me go past 38 weeks. Likely though, it won't be that long. (I mean, really, how long can membranes stay intact when they're hanging out against a stitch??)

Either way, I AM so excited to meet these two. Boys? Girls? One of each???? Weights? And we'll actually have a CAMERA this time! :) It's so nice to be on this side of things and to know what a happy pregnancy can be like! :)

Here he comes!

2011-05-07T12:39:00.000-04:00

He's ready to go!

March for Babies... the walk is on!

2011-05-07T10:36:00.000-04:00

And they're off to walk!!

Our team has raised well over $8,500!!!!!

Thank You!!!

2011-05-06T16:06:00.003-04:00

You guys are absolutely amazing!!

Now my biggest challenge is going to be to decide on which brand/type to go with!

I think I will stay away from the All in Ones. Maybe I'll get a few just to make it easier for Johnny when he's in charge, but I like the idea of reusing the covers.

I like the idea of pockets simply because then I don't have to fold... but I figure that I'll get used to folding. :) How do you get the folded diaper to stay put? I've seen these "T" shaped things that hold the prefold together before the cover goes on, but are they necessary? (yes, I know it would help if I knew the real name! I saw them on "What the Blog"s post about diapering triplets)

And I didn't know about the liner idea, but that's pretty tempting for when Johnny will be in charge. His biggest reservation is having to shake off the mess-- he doesn't do well with diapers even now! So I'm thinking those might be helpful for him!

Now to cost-compare and figure which kind to go with! :)

Again-- you guys are amazing!!!

Cloth diapering questions...

2011-05-05T13:17:00.004-04:00

Okay, you guys are awesome, but my head is still spinning. I guess I have to start with terminology first.

I'm not sure if terminology is brand-specific or cloth diapering related? So, let's see...

thirsties?

prefolds?

bummis covers?

contour prefolds?

soakers?

boosters?

pockets?

Then a few other opinions/questions...

1. Do you prefer snaps or velcro?

2. Do any brands you've tried leave marks on legs?

3. Do you use a toilet sprayer? Or what else do you do?

4. Cloth wipes vs. regular wipes? Which do you use or prefer?

5. Washing... you have to wash each load 2 times, right?

6. How do you manage the dirty diapers? I'm thinking I'd need a diaper bag up in the baby room, in the living room, and in the basement.

7. Diaper creams... I've heard they cause problems by reducing the absorbency of diapers, so what do you do? But then again... I've also heard that CD babies get less rashes, so maybe it's a nonissue?

8. Am I crazy for thinking of using cloth diapers for twins?

9. Has anyone used cloth diapers and then put their child in day care? I've read that some daycares will only accept all-in-ones.

10. Can someone just treat me like I'm an idiot (I really don't mind) and explain the entire process of assembling a non-all-in-one diaper, piece by piece? If someone could maybe post a photo-assisted post about this, I would be eternally grateful. I find info on sites, but they don't act like I'm an idiot so they still throw around the terminology that makes my head spin...

11. How many would I really need of each piece (if I did non-AIO)? I really want to start as soon as the babies come home... but I realize that might mean extra pieces that are grown out of quickly.

Cloth Diapers

2011-05-04T15:39:00.003-04:00

I've been trying to figure out cloth diapering and I'm beyond confused.

Right now I'm between the all-in-ones of bumgenius and the pocketed ones of gDiapers.

Can anyone shed any light on cloth diapering and point me in the right direction?

Newest Weights

2011-05-03T23:06:00.003-04:00

31 weeks 1 day... also four weeks later than the boys were born!!

Baby A: 4lbs 3oz

Baby B: 3lbs 10oz

That's almost 8 lbs of baby!!!!

In total last time I had 4lbs 12oz of itty bitty squishy baby in there.

It's such a weird place to be now... in a very good way.

I LOVE Being Home!

2011-05-01T21:40:00.004-04:00

Being home? = PHENOMENAL!

I hate having to be waited on. The pull out couch I spend most of my day on is super uncomfy. I can't pick up the bug.

BUT... I'm with the Bug all day and all night.

He seemed to do fine while I was gone-- mighty adaptable that one. He got into a routine and survived.

But now that I'm home he does not want to be away from me. (Which I do not mind!) I get unlimited unprompted "Mama!" hugs. He kisses like crazy. He kisses and hugs the babies (my belly, which is is happy to show off in all it's stretch-marked glory to anyone who wants to look) like there is no tomorrow. He is just happy to have his Mama home! (Though somewhere along the way he learned that my name is Stacey and has used it on several occasions!)

He seems so much older than 3 weeks ago. He's constantly running and jumping and laughing and tickling and generally cracking me up. I was keeping track of all his words for awhile-- I was up to about 160 or so, but I can't even keep track anymore. He repeats ANYTHING (as an example, there was a hilarious incident of him saying 'Dammit!' over and over in the car the day I got evicted because I kept laughing so he wanted to say it more and more. Thank you Daddy!) and strings together words that we didn't even know he had heard before. Today he cut his foot on a puzzle. Later on he took my cell phone and opened it and saw a "Baby!" (an old picture of him) and showed the baby his foot and said "Baby, I got Booboo!". The only thing he won't say is 'Colby'! He knows everyone else and will say anything (Daddy had him repeat 'phosphorous' today and he said 'forus') but he won't even try Colby! (He knows 'Connor' too!)

I just can't get over him. Sometimes I think he's too smart for his own good, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Being his mom gets better and better every day. And it's so much more amazing than I would have ever guessed!!

I have to pack a bag??

2011-04-29T13:11:00.004-04:00

I am so happy to be home. I'm still having lots of Braxton Hicks, but they're not hurting so I'm not worrying about it. Just watching for blood like a crazy lady. :)

But a thought occurred to be about 1am last night when I was lying awake.

I'm home. I haven't had my babies. The next time I go to the hospital I will probably be having the babies. (Unless I get readmitted after my ATU appointment on Tuesday)

I need to pack a Hospital Bag!

What do I pack?? :) (I find it amusing that the concept is so foreign when I've already had 2 babies!)

I figure I'll pack a bag now and bring it Tuesday and then just keep it handy after. I won't worry about baby clothes until I hit 34+ weeks and even then I might wait and just send Johnny to pick out the Coming Home outfits because that's what we did for Colby.

Bits & Pieces Again

2011-04-28T13:04:00.003-04:00

Today I am 30 weeks 3 days. Awesome! +3 weeks 2 days from the boys' birth.

I am getting evicted today and going home. I tell you, things change all the time here-- first it was home in a few days, then a week, then a few weeks, and then today. But that's okay... I think. I am nervous, but I know I am going to be nervous whether or not they evict me at 30 weeks or 32 weeks or 38 weeks. SUPER excited for some cuddle time with my bug!!!!

I went to "Group" today again. I couldn't believe it... there is a mom who has been here for 3 weeks. She's 31 weeks 1 day with twins. She's going stir crazy so the doctor agreed to deliver her at 32 weeks!!!! She said that both babies look great, she's been stable for 4 weeks, but she just asked her doctor. I held my tongue because it's not my business, but really?? Your sanity is really more important than the health of your babes? I was just floored that the doctor would agree. And she was just SO cavalier about the NICU. Okay, rant over. (For now)

Both babies are still looking great. They're both head down, lodged in there pretty good (they have both dropped and can't really move their heads). They kick like crazy and Baby A gets the hiccups ALL the time. B not so much... but it could also be more positional that I don't feel it.

Yay for Erin for having the most fabulous IVF cycle ever!!

All done for now. Lunch time and then just waiting for Johnny to show up to get me home. :)

Bits & Pieces

2011-04-23T23:30:00.002-04:00

I finally tried to do some blog list updating. Let me know if I missed you!

I didn't do a 29 week survey this week because I was tired of always writing the same thing...

Today monitoring revealed an absurd number of contractions at 2-5 minutes apart consistently. They were more braxton hicks than anything... but enough to make the nurses and doctors nervous. They wanted to do an internal check but I'm too nervous simply because of how things went with the internal-everything looks perfect-you're going home-oh wait, lets have babies 2 days later last time. The doctor was totally understanding... so instead we wait to see if I have pain or if I bleed from the stitch ripping. Now that I write that... it doesn't seem like the greatest alternative!

I made super cute handprint sheep with Colby. I got the idea from here, but it would have totally been better if I finished them BEFORE Easter so I could have given the Grandparents their prints to display for Easter. I guess I just consider it a success that I finished them with Johnny's help!

We got Colby a few books, a super cute robot toddler backpack, Buzz & Woody, and a bathtub toy for Easter. I can't wait to hide the eggs in my room tomorrow! I love that little boy more than I can express!

March of Dimes 2011

2011-04-22T20:52:00.002-04:00

It's almost time for the March of Dimes: March for Babies in Boston on May 7th!

Last year our team was ranked as the #3 family team in Boston and we raised nearly $10,000 with our 40 team members.

This year our numbers aren't looking as good as we only have about 20 walkers. We are off of our goal, but we are still thrilled to have raised well over $4,000. But of course, we're still looking for donations!!

The strides made by the March of Dimes have directly impacted our family-- as well as countless other babies.

If you would like to donate to Connor & Colby's Crew, please follow the link below!

Remember-- even the smallest donation could mean the difference between a family leaving the hospital with a baby in their arms or a memory box.

(And trust me, no one wants just the memory box.)

To donate, visit http://www.marchforbabies.org/jamersontwins

Weights!

2011-04-22T16:40:00.003-04:00

Still hanging out. Still stable. :)

As we draw closer to 30 weeks again the "What should we do?" debate is popping up. Some want another FFN, some want a new length check. We'll see what Dr. K wants on Tuesday. I'm currently funneling right to the stitch (so, again, kudos to Dr. K for pushing for that one over my "High Risk Doc"). As my doctor today said- at least we don't need to wonder if the stitch was necessary.

As much as I want to go home, I'm hesitant because we live so far from the hospital and there aren't any high level NICUs (< 32 weeks) near us. And there's that whole pesky fact that I'm one of those people who didn't know they were in labor until it was too far past the point of stopping it. So, I figure by Tuesday we will have already made it more than 2 weeks... I might push for staying the extra 2 weeks until 32 weeks. (Though I've been told that I won't have to push too hard, given my history.)

That aside... the babies are doing great. Baby A (my left) became Baby A a million years ago because he/she was the presenting baby back in the day. Now that has changed and Baby B is presenting which should make him/her Baby A as he/she would be delivered first. But we're keeping the original A & B designation just so as not to confuse anyone. :)

Both A & B are head down. Baby B is wedged pretty tightly and very low. (Just like Connor- Baby A- was last time). B is curled across the top of my stomach to my left. Then Baby A is spooning right under B with his/her head starting right around my belly button and also curling to my left.

The estimates for weights this week are:

Baby A: 3lbs 3oz

Baby B: 3lbs 2oz

I know these can be off (Colby was estimated as 2lbs 6oz at 26 weeks and a week later he was born at 2lbs 3oz) but it's crazy to think that I might have +6lbs of baby in there!!!

Next on the list is Horizontal Easter. Johnny's bringing eggs to hide here in the room. I got Colby a bath toy, 2 books, & a super cute robot toddler backpack with his name on it. Johnny also got Colby Buzz and Woody from Toy Story (I don't know if I have mentioned on here how obsessed he is with Toy Story). I never did get Colby a basket though! I had planned on ordering one from Pottery Barn Kids with his name on it for him to use every year, but between everything that happened it got pushed to the back and when I thought of it, they were all sold out.

Oh well... next year I'll just order 3. EARLY. :)

Johnny & I : Where We've Come

2011-04-19T23:45:00.007-04:00

Despite how annoyed (:oD) I sometimes get with the hubby, he really is an amazing guy.

We met in March of 2004- I can't believe it's been over 7 years! I was a Sophomore in college in Boston, not really looking for anyone. But there he was. :) On April 1, 2004 we decided to make it "official" and we were off and running. :) I had some cutie pictures of us from way back then but they're on my external hard drive and, well, I'm in the hospital. We were young and in love.

We were pretty much inseparable the end of that school year, all summer (1.5 hours apart), and into my Junior year. We spent every weekend together (give or take maybe 1 or 2) and usually 1 or 2 nights a week he would visit me at school.

He was my biggest cheerleader and in spring of 2005 I started applying to Study Abroad in Australia. I'd be gone for almost 4 months, but he encouraged me the entire time.

Another summer and I was ready to jet across the country and across the Pacific. I had to meet my group's plane in LA, so Johnny came with me to LA for a few nights. We stayed in the sketchy-est hotel ever (we obviously didn't know about the "good" and "bad" parts of LA when we booked it), got caught on a bus in the ghetto, Johnny almost got thrown out of LAX for screaming at the gate attendant... but the trip did have some highlights. But soon I was off across the world.

Our last meal together in LA...

I had the most amazing time in Australia, fell in love with the country, and dreamed of going back before I even left. Every day Johnny kept me connected with life back home as he sent me Daily Pictures. Sometimes they were things that reminded him of me and others they were just things (like his overflowing sink of dirty dishes). They always made me smile. (And wish he'd surprise me by jetting across the Pacific to visit!)

In mid-December I began the trek home from Sydney. My family met up with me in LA (they chose a better, less sketchy hotel area!) and we headed for home only to get stranded in Pittsburg due to a blizzard back home. Another night to add to the days apart. Finally the next day, December 10, 2005, on day 109, I landed in Providence and in Johnny's open arms.

A sweet-reunion in the airport

It was good to be back.

We spent the night with my parents and the next day we headed for Johnny's apartment. It was on that night, after 109 days apart, on December 11, 2005, that Johnny got down on one knee and proposed. I said yes (obviously!) and we got ready to begin the rest of our lives. (I have no picture from that night as I wasn't... um, dressed appropriately. Yes, I was wearing clothes though!)

We began planning the wedding- which was a feat in and of itself. We didn't agree on much throughout the whole planning process, but we eventually hammered out the details for our August 12th wedding.

Before our wedding, I graduated BU, got my teaching license, and in June we jetted off, back across the Pacific, this time for Hawaii! Johnny was the Best Man in his friend's wedding so we spent a week- 6 weeks before our wedding!- in paradise. We called it our Pre-Wedding-Honeymoon. After the trip we were down to the wire planning our day.

August 12, 2006 dawned as the MOST PERFECT DAY EVER. It was gorgeous and sunny and perfectly breezy and JUST the day we had hoped for when we gambled and planned and outdoor wedding. We walked through an arbor made by my dad, we were married by Johnny's cousin, we said "I do" in the afternoon breeze, and we danced the night away surrounded by friends and family. It was perfect.

A few days later we left on our mini-honeymoon, this time to Disney. We had a blast strolling through shops, hopping on rides (often cutting lines because of our Mickey & Minnie Wedding Hats!), holding hands down Main Street. We were just at peace.

When we returned we began our life... I started working, he went back to work, we made ends meet, and we had fun when we could. We were content. I would ask about babies- but we decided to wait a bit.

On Christmas Eve 2006 we decided we were ready. The pills went out and well, all that infertility stuff has been immortalized on here enough. It was hard.

THE night we decided we were READY

But we kept it together and never lost sight of why we were doing what we were doing. He held me over negative cycles and the miscarriage. He held my hand through blood draws and ultrasound and tests.

And he was there when Connor & Colby were placed back inside me. He was there through the ups and downs of the pregnancy-- from twins! and boys! to bedrest! and 27 weekers! Was it always happy and did we always get along? Not by a long shot. But he was there through it all.

And July 19, 2009. The day the boys were born he was the happiest I think I have ever seen him. He wore himself out worrying about me and the boys. Trying to be everywhere at once. Everything to everyone. But he did it. All the while he eased by fears that I caused everything to go wrong. He reminded me that it wasn't my fault.

Protecting Baby Colby

Two days later as we were told that Connor wasn't going to make it, he held my hands, squeezed me tight and told me that we would make it through. Me, him, and Colby would stay together. We were strong enough. As Connor took his final breaths Johnny reminded me that WE were strong enough.

The next days and weeks were hard. I didn't know how to deal with everything. I broke down at random times for random reasons. I wanted to jump out a window and run away. I didn't want to live in a place where my baby died and I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't want to face what was before us. But he reminded me that we had to be strong for Colby. He needed us. Johnny needed me. And I needed him. There was a lot of fighting those first few weeks and months. I fought against everything-- I didn't want this to be our reality and Johnny fought hard for US. He could have easily given up in the beginning but he didn't.

And 109 days later on November 5, 2009, we brought our second miracle home. Life wasn't complete... it never would be. But it was ours and it felt... good.

This is pretty much the worst picture ever. I can't figure out why I chose this picture as my "Welcome Home Colby" picture on facebook!

And life has continued to be good. Yes, I would sometimes like a little more help without being asked and I would like him to come home some day and out-of-the-blue give me a back rub or send me upstairs for a nap, but those things don't really matter so much, do they? He loves me... I don't doubt it. I do fight it sometimes, but I don't doubt it.

We're happy.

Deleted

2011-04-19T09:31:00.003-04:00

I got rid of what I put up last night because my intention wasn't to make Johnny upset.

But thank you for the reassuring comments. :)

Group and Grandfather

2011-04-15T00:07:00.004-04:00

One week... I know because I got my discounted parking tickets today. Well, for Johnny... but under my name. :)

----

Today I went to the Bed Rest Group. It's a group that meets every Thursday morning. The same group met last time I was here, but I never went last time. The timing didn't work and really I just had every excuse possible to not go last time. :)

This time, however, I decided to be brave. I'm not really a "go to group and talk to other people about your issues" kind of person. But I decided to go because I figured I might be able to provide some been-there-done-that perspective. Three of us went-- all three of us have twins. (Though I'm the only non-au-natural twin gal.) One girl is 31 weeks along, shortened cervix, slightly dilated, and has been here seven weeks with a 3.5 year old at home. The other girl is 33.5 weeks along with high blood pressure and has been here for only a few days. She has a 2.5 year old as well.

It was interesting to hear them talking, after having been on the "other side". The 33.5 weeker was suggesting that the 31 weeker ask to be induced as she has been here so long and she's going a bit stir crazy. I tried to keep quiet, but I had to interject about avoiding the NICU if possible. (Though I did rave about the amazing NICU here.)

They were also talking about C-sections and how they both wanted to avoid it if at all possible- even if both babies are not head down. It amazes me to hear that sort of thing-- I guess just from where I was last time we spent the whole time thinking that I would do whatever the doctors said was best. I didn't fight or argue or dispute any decision. Stay on bed rest? Okay. Get steroids? Absolutely. C-section? Cut me open. I guess it's just a different point of thinking. Who knows where I would have been had I gotten a few more weeks...

But they were asking me two questions--- 1. They wanted to know how C-section recovery was for me and 2. They wanted to know how recovery from bed rest was.

And you know what? I had no idea. Doesn't that sound a little crazy?? I can't remember anything about the recovery besides popping some pain pills every now and then. Life was just too crazy with the boys and losing Connor and the funeral and signing on the house...

Now I'm left to wonder what recovery will be like this time around...

-----

Right now the only great-grandparent that is living is my grandfather- Pepere. Right now my aunt and uncle are staying with him as they're a bit nomadic and tend to split their time between Texas, South Carolina, Virginia, and Mass. Anyways....

On Monday my grandfather woke up not feeling too well, so after breakfast he headed back to bed. When he woke up later on, he got up, and on the way he ended up falling on his back and apparently he threw up and aspirated. My mom and uncle rushed him to the ER and he was admitted and diagnosed with pneumonia. So, he spent Monday in the ICU... and then Tuesday it was discovered that he also has the Flu and it's suspected that he had a stroke as well. So, he stayed in the hospital...

Then Wednesday he took a turn and was intubated and restrained. As of today he's still out of it, completely unresponsive and he was headed in for an MRI when I talked to my mom. Ugh.

So, he's still there and things aren't looking good. And it's just so hard to wrap my head around it. He was FINE a few days ago.

I'm dreading any more news. I'm terrified that something will happen in the next few days. If he passes away I'm still stuck here. I'm just feeling so torn.

He's such a homebody and doesn't travel much. He just keeps to himself and that's that. But when we lost Connor he upped and came to the funeral. It was totally unexpected because I couldn't remember the last time he took an hour drive somewhere. But he was there and he was heartbroken. Then a year later we celebrated Colby's 1st birthday and again, over an hour away, totally unexpected, and he was there. He fell head-over-heels in love with Colby. He says silly things all the time like "I love the way Colby runs." and "Colby is built so well!"

Oh well, I guess I don't know where I'm going with this. But it's in the back of my mind...

28w2d

2011-04-13T22:03:00.003-04:00

I have the belly picture to put up from today (it's a tad ridiculous looking!!) but I haven't uploaded the picture yet. :)

How far along? 28 weeks 2 days

Total weight gain/loss: +30ish

Maternity clothes? Only the big comfy ones

Stretch marks? Uh huh.... hard to escape with twins!

Sleep: Usually from midnight to about 6:30... and sometimes an afternoon nap

Best moment this week: Any time I get to see Colby

Movement: Pretty constant- especially during monitoring and doppler times.

Food cravings: I really wanted a Snickers yesterday. :) Other than that... I'm hungry, but I have no snacks or anything here.

Gender: I'm thinking boy and girl still... I'm so excited to find out in a few months!

Labor Signs: Laying around has caused the Braxton Hicks diminish a bit. Now I just deal with the pesky cervix.

Belly Button in or out? Out and getting flatter

What I miss: Bring home with the Buggy Boy

What I am looking forward to: 30 weeks. Then 32 weeks... and on and on!

Weekly Wisdom: Take it easy

Milestones: We hit 28 weeks on Monday!!!

Bedrest Day 6

2011-04-13T20:12:00.001-04:00

For the first time, the doctors seem to be at a consensus! I have heard a few more times that I am going to be here until 30 weeks at least. That's right until after Easter which is a bummer, but we're making it. I just can't figure out how I kept myself entertained last time... boredom has set in BIG time. Plus, being further along and having gained more weight this time-- my back is always hurting. They need more comfy beds here. :)

Not much else to update. As the babes toss and turn and swim and spin I'm having a good time trying to guess if I'm looking at butts or heads as they protrude. These babes are HUGE movers and shakers. (Just like the boys were!) Monitoring is always a little difficult because they are literally trying to kick off the sensors (I think!).

This got completely interrupted by a visit from my parents, Johnny, and the Buggo so I'll just end this and publish!

Still here for awhile...

2011-04-12T10:48:00.003-04:00

Ah so the controversy continues! Haha.

This AM Dr. R decided that she wanted me out ASAP. So she ordered another length check in the ATU to see where we are at. Blah- why did she have to be here? The other doctor I love-- I learned they call him Dr. Bill (Dr. B) though he has a really long last name-- was there so that makes me feel better every time. The length check yielded about a .8cm change. Measurements ranged from 1.2cm to .8cm depending on where they decided the line was. So, it was decided that I am staying here. Insert heartbreak (Colby!) and peace of mind all at the same time.

It was fun though (sarcastic)... Dr. B was talking to me about babies and how many we want. His wife is pregnant with their second child and his first son is 7 days older than Colby and he always remembers this. We were talking about how much fun the little stage is when Dr. R came in and Dr. B made some comment about Colby at home. Dr. R jumped in with "Don't you have twins at home right now, too?" Dr. B's face fell an I had to remind her again that we lost Connor. Seriously????!!! I saw her 4 days ago!

So I came back up to my room for monitoring and Dr. K stopped in to talk to me. He made it blatantly clear that HE has the final decision about where I go and when and that made me feel a million times better. His thinking is 2 more weeks and then repeat the length check and decide from there. Odds are I'll be here until 32 weeks-- if we get that far-- before he seriously considers sending me home.

So it's hard, but I'm feeling better.

OH and I learned that Dr. K never wanted me to have the FFN because while they're good predictors of preterm labor, preterm labor isn't my issue. Instead, cervical incompetence is my issue, SO the FFN can easily come back negative and mean nothing. The bag of water is dying to get out and little fibers aren't going to do anything about that.

Still clueless!

2011-04-11T20:31:00.005-04:00

Dr. K popped in to see me yesterday evening. He was here on a delivery and decided to pop in because he heard I had been admitted. Maybe this is normal practice for "good" doctors, but I haven't had a good one yet so I was thrilled to see him!

Basically his judgement is that, without the stitch, I would have already gone into labor and had these babies. Baby A's water is right at the stitch and itching to pop out, so yay for the cerclage that Ms. High Risk (Dr. R) told me not to get. :)

Dr. K is leaning toward keeping me here longer term like some of the other doctors.

Today Dr. K wasn't here, but I did meet with another Dr. K who is leaning toward this week and sending me home. See? I have no idea what's going on! They did the FFN today and it came back negative which makes me happy... but I still don't know where I am headed.

Tomorrow my Dr. K will be here again so I'm really hoping to get some definite answers. After all, he's the one who makes the decisions on my care, right? Right? (I'm really asking because I don't know!)

Still contraction free... "irritable" at times, but I don't even know what that means.

Basically, I still know a whole lot of nothing. But I am loving my nurses and knowing that there are people around here who really have my back.

OH AND HUGE CELEBRATION!!!

28 WEEKS TODAY!!!

At the most, I am 10 weeks away from meeting my babies!!!

32?

2011-04-10T15:01:00.002-04:00

Just a quick update...

The newest suggestion by the doctor covering for Dr. K is that I stay here until at least 32 weeks. (Though I am quite aware that plans change quickly around here!) I'm not arguing because I want these babies as healthy as possible and there is a great deal of peace-of-mind that comes from monitoring and checks and such.

But I am devastated. I'm missing Colby and feeling like I did this to us. Not just being here where we are... but I pushed for the two embryos. I'm putting lives in jeopardy and it's killing me. I just want these two here as heathy as possible.

And just to clarify... I did make the transition from Dr. R a while ago. Dr. R was my high risk doctor down the road at a satellite office. I was not loving her and she needed me to schedule my appt. at the ATU at BI one Friday because she had to hold office hours there as part of her rotation. As luck would have it, she cancelled her hours at the ATU and another doctor saw me that day and I quickly fell in love with everyone at the ATU, so I checked with Dr. K (my regular OB whom I love) and he told me to keep going to the ATU if I was more comfortable. So I have been going there for probably 2 months? All without ever having contact with Dr. R. It was just by chance that she was covering the ATU again on Friday when I was there for my biweekly appointment. So I don't see her regularly and do not consider her my high risk doctor anymore.

I did vent to Dr. K's covering doctor today that Dr. R was acting as if 28 weeks is "no big deal" and she thought that was ridiculous. (Thus her wanting me to be here for longer.) I told her I felt better knowing that someone agreed with the seriousness of the situation. So we'll see...

High Risk Appt

2011-04-09T18:36:00.004-04:00

Yesterday we had another high risk at the ATU. One of the doctors (fellows?) I really like was there but so was Dr. R which I wasn't too thrilled about. The fellow did the ultrasound and both babies were ridiculously active as always. It just doesn't get old, does it?? It was just so bizarre to me to think that we were watching them INSIDE at 27w4d. At this time I was watching over Colby on the outside. So weird! We got to watch practice breaths and we never got these last time. :)

But the check also showed a shortened cervix. So, after a discussion with Dr. R (ugh!) I was sent up to traige to be admitted for steroids and to be watched for a few days. As far as I know I'm only going to be here until Monday when I hit 28 weeks. But it's always in the air, right?

Dr. R was driving me crazy as usual-- once again she wanted to know why we were being monitored so closely. Seriously, you can't read a file? Or remember? I've met about 15 doctors/nurses/residents already in my 24 hours and they all knew the situation about my boys before and what's happening now. And I've only met them ONCE.

The other thing that peeved me was she was going on and on about how we're 28 weeks on Monday and then we can stop worrying. So in her opinion it's not a big deal to be monitored closely or do bedrest. And yes, I know that a 28 week baby is MUCH better than 24 or 27 or anywhere in between. But please don't tell me that 28 weeks means that you're out of the woods. I was talking to a neonatologist today, and yes, 28 weeks does decrease the chance of eye disease and brain bleeds, etc. But they're not eliminated and then there is still the huge issue of breathing. Yes, I am SO happy to have gotten here, but it's not good enough. And I feel like Dr. R wants to wipe her hands of me and my babies just because we're 28 weeks. I'm okay with that as long as I get another awesome doctor (Dr. K!) but I just couldn't believe that she was so cavalier about hitting 28 weeks.

But the short of it is that I'm here and missing my Bug like crazy. He came and visited for several hours today (and did amazingly!) It's not the same as cuddling him to sleep though...